A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Miss Brightside

"I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all"

The Updated To Do

  1. Thanks for everyone's suggestions on how to make this blog bigger than ever!
  2. www.heroinegirl.com should be up and running in two weeks !!!!
  3. I now have hosting space organised and 265 mbs of space however I have no idea how to move my blog from blogger to this space - what happens to everyone's links?
  4. The design package is basic package and I don't think I will have a tagboard but I do wasn't a photoalbum.
  5. I'm going to go with the latest version of wordpress (as long as that has categories)
  6. The domain (remember the saga) is waiting for me to claim and I still don't have a PO address. I'm going to check out the proxy server like Hot Karl said to do.
  7. I've added a paypal button to raise the funds for the videoblog and audio blog function and for me to get my own postbox so I can work on my book deal and register the name.

  8. I don't go out and I don't drink cos I can't. Writing and creating is my hobby and it stops me from going crazy. I figure I have all these loose ends to tie up and maybe I could be saving time by having a smarter blog that needs less maintenance but also gives me (and you) a better result. So please don't think I'm a diva - I'm actually very frugal because I have to be.
  9. I found the agent (thanks to a reader) and my media rep has spoken to him on the telephone. I have been asked to submit an overview of my life for them to shop around to various publishing houses. Big thanks to Genuine for helping me with this one.
  10. My birthday on the 5th of May - my goal is to have the book proposal done by this time.
Thanks for everyone's ideas !
Please let me know if you can donate an videoblog subscription as I don't have a credit card but I'm more than willing to transfer the money !!

More than willing !!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Echoes from the past

Today started off better than expected which was a welcome surprise. I received great news from my liver specialist - the new half dose is doing well and my nutrophills are holding their own (this means no cancer drugs) Giddy-up!
Plus I have less Ribavirin tablets and as a result my red blood cells have risen slightly (which explains why I feel better this week - thank lord cos anemia is a bitch).

Basically, I can hope for smooth sailing from here to the end of therapy. The Doc reminded us today that people with genotype 1 have a 40% - 50% chance of sustaining a viral response. Bf was there to hold my hand as she advised both of us that even those odds, that mine may be even less. Those percentages were obtained from patients who had taken the full year of meds and unfortunately I've had half doses, having to stop/start a few times.

However, she did pause and add that I had displayed a negative result to Hep C test only 8 weeks into my therapy( and that my friends is promising !!)
Still - it really could go either way and I sensed a feeling that the Doc seemed to think 50% is not the best odds but also not the worst. To me it seems good - of two peeps have Hep C - one becomes reinfected with the virus but the one will clear it completely. I'm praying for the latter.
If I don't cure it - I will be a little pissed off that I spent so much time sick and yucky. I don't think I will be repeating the drugs until they have less side effects. I get angry when I see Pamela Anderson out having fun (she has Hep C) getting hammered and I can't. Apparently, Pammie refused to do my treatment as it was too punishing on the body. No shit !!
Actually, BF said he read in magazine that she has already had a liver transplant. So that must be the celebrity cure - if your livers on the way out - just go and buy yourself enough one !

Anyhow I'm not a celebrity so I'm taking it one day at a time and at the moment I have umm.. Five months before we even get to that stage. I know that being negative is not going to help that period go any quicker. In short, I left pretty happy that my viral drugs are not so full on anymore and had a nice big 'nanna nap' to reward myself.

When I got back online, I received an IM from BF (yes we talk to each other at least eight times a day) saying that my sister had called and that there was dramas. Straight away I thought "Well my sister is 18 and she probably has found something cooler to do for the holiday."
I braced myself for the disappointment that I was used to when it came to family.
I will share it with you now - even though I know Lil Sis will probably read this when she is here over the weekend (she adores this blog btw - she loves looking up to Big Sis) what the drama was.

I don't know if you are up to date with my story (my memoirs are to the right) - but you may recall that my younger sister (let's call her Miss C) is the Stepmother's daughter and we share a dad. We don't call each other half-sisters because that's not very Sopranos like and I think I'm Anthony Soprano ;)
Anyhoo, Miss C just finished high-school and works at a local supermarket during the week - we ( and I mean bf and myself) are working on starting her on a career path. It doesn't help when I don't have the support of the parents, Dad's drinking and abuse is not helping her settle into a routine either.

Unfortunately, I live a one hours drive away and I don't drive. Otherwise, I would play a bigger role in getting her a decent job that gives her a solid salary and some skills. Alas, she has worked at the grocery store since she was 14 which is not such a bad thing but I know she is a bright girl and I want the very best for her - she is not using all her skills. All of the kids work hard because we don't want to be like our parents, with old threadbare furniture and a rented house full of pets and stink. Dad is the brains in our family - but Miss C and him have the same relationship that I share with The Stepmother - that is we simply don't have one.

My father used to be a happy drunk (which can still be annoying) and as he has obliterated braincells I've noticed his drunken behaviour become progressively more spiteful and menacing. I hear some terrible things and I worry for My Dad - it's not the same man that I knew. He has become more bitter and angry, sometimes downright cruel. He has been known to call my sister a fucking bitch and a lazy fat pig (she is like size ten!) Growing up my Dad never spoke to me like that (which ain't helping her that I don't understand) and I wonder why he would with another daughter? Miss C has said that after this fight, she is never going back.
I remember the day I said that... I remember.

After she graduated, Miss C has had to enter the big bad world. Now, no-one knows the highs and lows like yours truly, so I don't pander to her but I don't let her roam lost either. Even though Mum says she is an adult - to me 18 is just a baby. The stepmother has cut her loose.
I've said it once and I'll say it again that I really think The Stepmother is seriously disturbed. I'm even more convinced that she has a few screws loose now that I see the old patterns rearing their ugly head. From what I've experienced, as we have grown into women she becomes threatened by us and our freedom to live our own lives. But I don't get it as she is very emotionally distant - not clingy or controlling at all. Just very cruel comments that make you you doubt yourself to the extreme, subtly taking you down a knotch just when you think you are ready to finally start flying. For as long as I have been her stepdaughter she has played games with our heads and has no qualms in playing favourites.

I've never been able to ask a question about school or career concerns. She is docile when it comes to achievement and the real world. It's all about the drama of life - feel sorry for me with my alcoholic husband. She is the pin up girl for low self-esteem (sex and the city line)

It would be a waste of time asking her advice regarding being a successful and happy person. As she herself has reverted to anti-depressants she has had the sense of mind to finally admit that she has NO IDEA how to be happy. Great. That's just f'n great. When it comes to getting ahead in life and dealing with the shit that brings, Dad can be* cool (*sober) . But when he is sober he is too ashamed to talk to us ...and locks himself in the bedroom.

Still, the stepmother sides with Dad when he is sober but when he is drunk she will turn on him and her favorite thing to do is involve the children. We all grew up as mini umpires for their screaming matches. Helpless, we watched our parents rip each other's souls to pieces.
No wonder I feel there is nothing left for us....

The Stepmother tries to manipulate us into conforming to her emotional patterns. I've warned my sister that her time is now. However, Miss C is feistier than I ever was (I was too busy trying to make her love me) She doesn't tolerate fools and has be known to speak the truth and this never sits well in our family, which is built on a foundation of secrets and denial.
Me, on the other hand, well my coping mechanism is to try and swing her around to my viewpoint. I fear she is just too old to change now - so I've cut her from my life. I see her at X,as and special occasions but that is all. I try my best to never be like her (esp if I'm a mum) Can you say the word - AVERSION ?

I've spent some time analyzing what background - looking for signs of a pattern. If anything I could help the kids manage her abuse and manage to move out relatively unscathed. Mum has always drilled into us that when she was seventeen she feel pregnant with Adrian (evil seed) and she was a single mum. As much as she implores we can never be like that - she has no brain or wish to make us thrive. It's like she is envious of our own lives - we earned them and they are nothing to fucking do with what happened to her.
I know this now but it took many years to believe it. Now I hate her so go figure if that's any better for me ! Sure, I'm pleasant on the outside when I need to be, but she could see in my eyes that I was all about hate and that I'd saved it all for her.

Dad is his own crazy carnival. The worse part about when Dad gets drunk is that all of a sudden he wants to start emotional conversations, forcing his own drunken opinions on you. Yet, he goes overboard with the whole "I'm your father and you will respect me and do what I say" although he never does anything to earn our respect. He can't even walk in a straight line. He hides himself in a god damn bottle - that's not a man. He knows this and kids aren't dumb.

Still when you're are a daddies little girl, you fight on almost refusing to be knocked down in the final round of love and trust. Stumbling around, stemming the blood that drips so steady. you try to figure it all out - if only so you can keep going on thinking he's just the best thing ever created by God. He's your daddy ... He is the man.


When I was little I tried to play his games as I thought for once he would be on my side. Even if he was drunk - I didn't care. I would open up about how much I hated things with The Stepmother and I'd see a flicker of my daddy that I once knew. He would hug me and sometimes he would cry too. But it was always different the next day...

The next day though when he was sober he would be the silent man on the couch again - I knew that he wouldn't be able to talk to me about my feelings (hell I don't think he even remembered our conversations) After that happened for years and The Stepmother accused me of trying to play on Dad's soft spots when he was drunk (mole) I learnt to just avoid Dad and save myself the politics.

All of us kids knew the drill; make sure your bedroom lights are out and when you hear your name being drunkenly slurred whatever you do - don't answer. Pretend to be asleep and pray that he will just fall asleep on the kitchen floor again. Then he is waking your little sister and brother and you hear The Stepmother struggling with him in the hallway. She is screaming and he is saying very mean things - about all of us. I still hear his screams, spit frothing from his mouth and his bloodshot eyes shining with anger.

"My own family disappoints me, I comes home after working my ass off to pay all your fucking bills and buy your fucking food and what do I get !! {punches wall) NO dinner is made and the house is a fucking mess!!"

We know better than to answer, so I hear only quiet sobs.
"Where is ***** ?" He slurs. Eager for the next victim.
"She's asleep - Don't " I hear grappling noises outside my door and my eyes widen with fear.
Even though I knew it would come to me - it always did - it still was scary.

He shouted my name down the hallway at 1 am - arrogance dripping from his words. A gush of air washes over my face as I try to look asleep. I can smell his booze and my heart is pounding. He says my name and I stay silent..just like I have been told to do.

It wasn't good enough. I hear him fumbling for the light switch and the room is flooding with light and screaming and then everyone is here around my bed and I'm in the middle..trying to make everyone calm down. Daddy drags me from bed to do the dishes and I'm not allowed to go back to bed until it's all done to his satisfaction. It's now three in the morning and I'm so old and tired within...regardless of the time.
The next morning he leaves for work and when he comes home he goes straight to bed as tonight is hangover night for Daddy. But give it another night and it will happen again and again.

Why do I love him if I know thathe won't change now. I guess he is all I have left.
He has done this for twenty-seven years of my life - do I know any better?

Obviously the alcohol makes him more confident to talk about his feelings, but there is no in between for him. I swear in the daytime, I hardly hear my dad speak one word to any of us. He goes to work every day as a plasterer, leaving and arriving home in the early mornings. Dad is a pub drinker - he likes to escape home and will sit in a pub for hours and hours.
After he drinks two times his body weight Mum will either drive down and collect him at a prearranged time or he will just drink drive (yes they live in built up surburbia and I hope he loses his license)
As you know I was so happy to get out of this environment, in addition to Dad and his drunken ways I had to shoulder the blame for having such a delinquent father. I could see he was hurting, but I know he needs help. He is still in denial - he doesn't have a problem apparently.

Miss C hates my Father for all the times she has had friends over and he has abused her in front of them. She once told me of a time she had friends over for a slumber party and dad burst in on them in the shower. he yanked my little brother who was in the bath with two girls (fuck - he was four) and spanked him hard saying that he was a dirty little bastard.
She told me with angry tears how her girlfriends (also in the bath) tried to cover themselves as Dad towered over them , rum breath and sweat the only smell. The seven year old girls screamed for The Stepmother and she came in and started to punch my father in the face.
"You drunken asshole - You fucking idiot" she pushed him into the wall and he stared at her drunk and lopsided slurring his speech.
"He's a dirty little boy - he's too old for that now" That's Dad. Denial works best for him.

The Stepmother quickly tried to appease the girls and my sister who was absolutely mortified.
This was such a shameful moment for her - and to add insult she had invited the most popular girls and now all they wanted to do was go home. She cried very hard after they all left.

After that debacle, Mum wasn't prepared to let it get any worse. The little girls were no longer in party mood and they all ate the birthday cake in terrified silence. The girls were aged 8 and under.

In the end, the girls asked The Stepmother to go home as they were afraid to go to sleep. The Stepmother made the phonecalls and their parents came and collected the children from the party. Needless to say, they were not allowed to ever visit our house again. That happened when I had left and when she tells me about those things - I can understand why she would harbor a lot of anger. The night before the party, she crept out in her nightgown and pleaded that Daddy wouldn't get drunk and embarrass her.
"Please Daddy just for one night" she begged
"Of course - I'm not a drunk ! Go to bed and stop being silly"
Yeah whatever. Even I want to punch him for that.

Dad's told me that it's just her age but she vows that it's a deep-seated hatred that has only expanded as she grows into an adult and notices her Father's lacking. After fisticuffs became commonplace with both parents - Mum asked my sister to "get out of the picture for a while" and "give Your father time to cool off".
She is a fucking dickhead - she will always pick her husband over her kids.
It didn't matter to her that my sister had just turned seventeen and was in her final (most important year) of high school. The Stepmother never finished high school - how could she know what she just doesn't know ? As a result my sister's grades suffered (she failed her final year). Needless to say relations with dad and her are icy at best.

We all agreed that for everyone's sake (mainly Miss C's) that she should move into her own place. She did and it was working for a while (I noticed she was a lot calmer and had stopped stressing so much) but the I think she was looking for a more secure environment. A group of her friends are trying to get a place (all very nice girls that I approve of) but no landlords will give them a chance because they are fresh out of school. I have a feeling that this will work out though.. We all have been through that stage and managed to survive ourselves.

After careful consideration she shacked up with her boyfriend (who lives with his parents) but the latest drama is that he cheated on her on the weekend and kissed another girl. (Yes he was drunk) I always subscribe to the everyone gets one chance (if he fucked her it may of been different) but I know that it's kinda of easy to pash off some chick when your sloshed.
I'm bad like that. He told sweet angel as soon as she got home and all shit broke lose.
Young love !

Now my sis is a very proud girl so she felt there was no other option that to cool things with her BF and go back home for a while. Cue drama. Poor little darlingheart rang us today in a flood of tears saying that my father had gotten drunk and abusive yet again. She wasn't even home for two days before he cruelly told my sister that "She was out of their lives now and he only cares about the youngest" then he added "I have never connected with you anyway".

The Stepmother has told her that Dad is Dad and if she doesn't like it she can move out - "It was so much better when you were not around" she added as a final blow to my sister.

I felt my chest tighten when BF told me all the details - the abuse , the manipulation - it all flooding back to me. I picked up the phone to call her and I paused halfway through the number and burst into tears. I knew what the voice would say on the other end - I had been that voice and that person. I have hardly dealt with my own abuse from these same people.

I would feel every one of those tears all over again. I knew exactly how she felt, I remembered the shocking hurt as I run from the family home , while they retreat back into the flames of fury. I steeled myself with the thought that although I never had a big sister, that she does and this time I can actually be there for her (instead of being stoned) However, I'm ashamed to admit to you all that I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't feel like dealing with this shit. Not again.
I'd moved away from a reason - to forget about my parents. Now, it was happening all over again - the same hurtful words. When I was little, The Stepmother coldly informed me that my younger sister was her favorite daughter and I always thought she was safe.
I always though well your really are her daughter - you will get it better than me.
She did for a while - but old habits die hard.

Ashamedly, a slight part of me is resistant to help my sister because NO-one was there to help me. It's a petty thing and I kick myself for even thinking it. I resent Mum not her.
I have to keep that in mind. She needs me. I have to also keep that in mind.

When my parents turned on me (for not getting over the incest) I made it on my own only because I had to. My younger sister and brother got everything after that - as my parents freaked and reassessed the parental direction (or lack thereof) that they were taking.
Basically, they let them do whatever they want. Ie: they both smoke and drink.
My brother is 15. He is failing school.

I can't not get involved as I realized that I got addicted to heroin and nearly died because I was on my own. Maybe I can stop this cycle - from the kids angle. Even though we are growing into adults, I'm not foolish enough to think that we no longer need our parents. To them, we will always be children.
That's what makes me scared - she is so good at manipulating me. When I confront her on Miss C she says " She is a teenage honey - she is a rude and ungrateful bitch and I'm too old for her shit. You don't know her as when she sees you she is an angel. I take her places and buy her things and she still treats me like dirt. Your my favorite daughter now - you know that ! You never gave me any trouble and now I see what a good girl you were."
This is vebatim what she says and I find myself silent on the other end of the phone, thinking if I open my mouth I will betray my sister (by agreeing) or opening myself up to her attacks (by disagreeing) I thought I was strong enough to deal with her but with the treatments mental side effects (lowers serotonin) I'm worried to get involved.
I want to ring them and go off my nut. The stepmother has already suspected that my sis will tell me everything that is happened and as she put it " You will tell her bad things about me and turn her against me - but I'm going to get to her first." I can't wait for that fucking phonecall. My sis was still reeling how Stepmother gave my little brother her room and made his room an office the day after she left home. Head games.
But I have to... I have to be there for my family.
Even if they may never be there for me.

She is coming up tomorrow and staying for three days and I going to really pamper her. Our girls are with us as well, so the family environment will be nice for her. It will be nice to watch the Easter Hunt and make baskets - childhood things can be comforting !!

I thought my abuse was hard to cope with. I was wrong. Watching it happen the exact same way to someone you love is a fresh pain.
God, if you're listening.
Help the Children.
Help my Parents.

Help me be strong for her.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and stay safe.
You can leave a message for HG Jnr (my sister) in the comments as she is really low at the moment and I find that you guys cheer me up when I'm as low.

I'll be blogging over the holidays...

p.s The trip to Sydney for the girl's Mother was cancelled. Apparently he was being a braggart as he was drunk and had no intention of flying Jane down! She still has her bag packed and waiting but has not heard from him at all re: her tickets.
Therefore she is driving up to see MR C (the one who has dumped her) and give him an Easter egg and see if he will talk to her. LOL! Jane is my living soap opera I swear!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Jane Says..

Oh man..You might remember I blogged about Jane a few weeks ago our love-hungry dating addict. Yeah sure you do - She's the compulsive dater and professional doormat. Remember how she drove at midnight to retrieve a key she got cut for her "man" as a present for Valentine's day (even though he said they were not official and he wasn't ready for anything serious as it was only two weeks into things !!) The one that has had 15 relationships in six months?

Well I'm going to let you in on a tiny secret - "Jane" is actually the the mother of bf's daughter (aged 7) I call her Miss 7. Now, I'm really going to try and rein in my opinions on the whole ex-wife thing as we all no matter how flat you make the pancake - it's always going to have two sides. Because if she ever found my blog she would have a freaking field day with all of my past. She has already clued on that I was a hooker, which surfaced when she was trying to validate keeping the girls from visiting (you all remember how sad I was about all that mess)
Whatever she can throw in my face (to counteract the fact that I'm fucking in love with her ex-husband) she does and she does it behind my back. Of course everyone (even you strangers) know about me already. I don't lead a double life however I didn't tell her as it's my past now, besides I knew she would totally go mental. She didn't disappoint. But we are on a good patch at the moment and the girls are back in our lives which is a blessing.

I have pleasant relations with her - she's the kind of girl that is ok with anything we do as long as she is involved with a partner of own. Unfortunately this is oft hoped for and seldom achieved. Le Sigh. In fact, the likelihood of this occurring is virtually near impossible (I'm not being mean ) Every single guy she has dated so far has quickly summized that they can use her for sex and a temporary girlfriend but they don't have to date her and there is less fuss if you do. She explains that the only way she keeps them interested (and then they may change their mind) is by lowing her own expectations about how she should be treated. Often, the men she meets (sometimes off the internet) become fuck buddies and nothing more. It's so predictable that it's hard not wince with smugness when it happens over and over. I mean common ! Men like to chase girls and being a Klingon is the express route to Dumpsville, Population - YOU.

I worry what the little girls are thinking - seeing her mother constantly texting her lovers (now up to 40 a day) and spending long amounts of time chatting on the computer. (Not that I can talk but I'm not a Mum and I know my years of freedom are now) Unlike motherhood, when it comes to making a guy happy she will keenly pull out all the stops (including using protection) to lure men into her bed. From there, she is convinced that she can swing a man into loving her , she just needs to get them alone.

The current guy (you know the one that rung me and hit on me which I still haven't told her) has explained to her many times that he is only interested in something casual. He wants to be fair to her and the girls and he just has too much going on right now. Sounds like a big fat case of "he's just not that Into you" . However he does add that he can still manage to have sex with her occasionally so if she doesn't like that then she can get something better. I guess she thinks it's better than being alone or something ? Man, I'm glad I've grown up a bit.

Of course, she thinks he is just the "Cat's Pjyamas" even though he only ever sees her when he is drunk ( another bad sign) he leaves in the morning and she has not met any family or friends
When she calls him on the phone to arrange to see him on the weekend he tells her "I'm in a middle of a dvd I'll call you back" but of course he doesn't.
Surely this isn't what you boys are doing to your girlfriends?

Quite forcefully, she met Mr C's neighbor who then she offered to sleep with and whilst drunk and bitter proceeded to blab all about Mr C to the neighbor (re: sexual performance and his attitude towards life) Of course, it's never anything to do with her why guys run for the hills.
She is the victim and has always maintained the lead role in her own nauseating drama.
I know I sound bitchy but I had to vent here as this is my blog!

I don't know about you other girls in a defacto relationship but I'm ashamed to ever go back to the dating game if this is what is out there. Honey - I want to stay with you forever cos the world has gone slut crazy@! I think a casual root is fine.. but at least know your worth..Otherwise you might as well fucking charge the bastards. Am I totally jaded from actually charging for it - maybe thats why I think it's extra slutty with a side serve of easy rings.

In order to mend her broken heart about Mr C breaking up with her (which the thoughtful lad did via text message bless him) she hoped online.. looking for a quick 'dix fix'. Of course a guy off msn offered to fill up her Saturday night (in more ways than one) when suddenly she had what I thought was an attack of morals. She was fretting that although she was not official with Mr C she didn't want him to find out she had fucked someone else - cos then it may be over for real.
Yes... She has all different slants on the "It's just not working out".

I counseled her for an hour on msn and we looked at all the options. After this, we decided it would be better that she took time for herself and dealt with Mr C first as even though he was resolved of his feelings for her - she had not.
We were both pleased with this decision, proud that she had stopped reacting to the neediness.
Unbeknownst to me I babysat the girls whilst she drove to the msn boy and fucked him without a condom and drove herself home ( no, she was not allowed to stay it was just for sex) so no one was any wiser. I don't know why I bother sometimes!

I wasn't surprised when she confessed she would need to collect a script for the morning after pill (he doesn't like to use condoms poor little tot) and then she had a brilliant idea. Bare with me, I can assure you this story only goes further downhill peoples !

I know all of this because she has no friends and it doesn't really hurt me and I try and sort out her emotions , not just for her sake but for the little ones. It's hard on them to be in such a crazy environment. She's one of those mothers that always speaks about sexual conquests in front of children and involves them in her dating.
Ie: she asks the girls to call Mr C and ask him why he is not coming down.

Anyway so back to getting the morning after pill which I suggested. I know she fell preggers with BF's daughter 4 weeks into it (she was engaged to the first girls father at the time and cheated on him with BF and then whoops fell pregnant) Yeah BF got more than he bargained for that night on the vinyl lounge (blech that she always tells me about) Dear me ! You gotta laugh or you would surely. Of course BF doesn't regret as he has the most angelic daughter - but it was still pretty fucking obvious. She has done it twice and things she says (You know I could just not have this pill and I would have the baby) make me do a double take and think maybe she did entrap my BF. Who knows, it's in the past anyhow.
Before I could stop her and pry the phone from her hands she has sms'd Mr C and said "Why don't you come down and we can fuck for one last time, and you can come inside me and i will have a pill"
He sms'd her back "Ok I'm in but only sex" I mean who would say no to a free root.

I shook my head and I warned that she had unprotected sex on Saturday and she should really take the pill on the 48 hours (not the seventy two to be sure)
Mr C didn't even turn up (how humiliating) and he hasn't even called her to explain why.
She has been sms'ing him all day and he is just not replying.
She just told me she forgot to have the second pill of her Morning after Pill.
Women like this give us all a bad name. I get so mad !!!
They think they can go against the laws of human nature and tag themselves a man.
Newsflash ! I think she is getting treated worse than I was as a hooker.
If she has another child - I swear ! I see already that she struggles to keep sane and we always help her out and make sure we are chilled with the kids and shower them with love.
Surely a baby would not keep this man - I don't get why women think like this ????

I just had to rant about it, cos her msn window is flashing and I would've started to get frustrated. I've read her passages of "He's Just Not That into You" and she doesn't listen she is sooo self absorbed and when she is not out to the left then she crashes into a depression and locks herself in a room and sms's us saying she is going to kill herself.

I wouldn't care if she didn't have my baby's baby.. Well I would care but you know what I mean. I just try and do my best and be a good stepmom and I know the girls both love me.
It's nice they can see their Dad have healthy relationships, that's why we don't fight or be nasty around the children (we don't much anyway) and we try and make those girls know that we love them and they don't need boys.

Miss eight has already said that she wants to kiss boys and her Mother found her diary (and read it -le sigh) And it said this ;

Jared and i broke up today , he said that i was nice but i know i am never good enough for him. i really thought we had a chance.

She was in Grade THREE! Why does she even have all these adult emotions. Goodness.
I mean at what point can I step in as a stepmom and say " You are always good enough and you don't need a man" when they see their Mum getting treated rough and basically used.
They have told me that Mummy can't find anyone to stay with her. Then Miss seven said to her Mum " Mummy, I know that he doesn't love you" - That's how obvious it is to everyone.

Wow what a blurt...
Saves me relating it all to BF.
I will probably delete it in 2 days so I'm safe.
Last time she banished the kids from us ( for five months) was when she found out I had Hep C.
She told the children that they couldn't hug me and that Daddy had chosen me and my sickness over them as he had to choose me or them. We only just got back into seeing them, so I just play things cool. She is a fucking lose cannon though and it's Easter and we have the girls and she is too busy worrying about all these internet schleps to even organize a special day for the girls.
Poor lil tigers - I know they are allergic to chocolate but it doesn't mean we have to ditch the whole freakin holiday! She just text-messaged me that her mother has set her up with one of her rich single guys (who has two kids) Man - is even her mum pimping her out? This dude has offered to fly her interstate and put her up in a hotel over the holiday weekend.

Me: So it's a dirty weekend - cos men don't pay 600 to say hi !
Her: No he said nothing like that will happen. He just wants to show me around town and have dinner. He wants me to stay until Monday so you and bf need the girls for the entire weekend.
Me: Well you better ring him and check it all out.

Excuse me ...But what part of this doesn't scream "I'm a prostitute"
She's not even getting paid - she is getting dinner (which will probably be awkward)
I imagined a funny skit in my head when she was gabbering on the phone and it went a little something like this..

Him: So Michelle..
Her: Actually it's Mandy -
Him: Whatever. After we finish this bottle of wine, I want to touch you all over with my crazy hairy fingers and get all creepy old daddy on yo ass. I said I would give you a tour - The tour of the my red meaty man sword. You didn't seriously think I would marry a girl that jumps on a plane and meets a sweaty old man and fucks him for some oysters kilpatrick??
Her : *winces*
Him: Oh Melissa.. You did.

Man I don't know why I care - maybe I'm jealous that I'm not being jetted around.
But I feel infuriated. She even gives hookers a bad name.
At least I know they pack condoms.

So now, I have to change Easter plans. I know for a fact that she often bullies me into plans and then when it's the weekend - no one has a clue what the hell is going on with the babies.

BF gets all confused and I get upset because he is upset and then the girls get upset.
You know those people that never confirm things but always seem to think you agreed to whatever they wanted. They live in the grey. Hell - with her you don't ever have to even say yes - if you spoke about it once drunk at a petrol station then she will dig it up if she needs to and makes it into a big official thing.
I hate people that do it and I think it's terrible when organizing the kids.

My sister is coming this weekend so it's going to be a full house as we have a small flat and we all seem to get all cooped up by the second day.
Hardly helping the mix is the adorable but challenging Miss eight who has ADD and cannot have any "pyscho" foods as when she was a baby she only ever ate canned food.

Then I think I'm going to visit my parents, which is always a pleasant bludgeon to the self-esteem and sanity.

Happy fucking Holidays.

It's been really, really painful not to blog about her - she is infuriating most of the time.


Due to public outcry (ok so maybe no one was actually crying perse but you know who you are)II won't be leaving Heroinegirl. I was talking to a few well known blogger types about my current identity crisis. You see, I want to help people with hepatitis C and I want to relate. When I type it here I feel like it must be dragging you guys down - nobody likes a sick person. Then I thought well to hell with it - this is who I am and I'm not Heroinegirl either. I'm off heroin and all that memoir stuff is over - it's nothing. I refer to Heroinegirl in the third person until my blogging mentor pulled me up on it. I realise that I have issues with coming to terms with all of me - past, present and future. Why ? Probably because I've always lived in hope that things would be better in the future, seeing that they sucked in the present. Now my life has changed and it's time I changed with it. I want to be one girl on one blog and this is why I started this fucking blog. I keep trying to run from myself - I keep wanting to section my feelings into compartments , if only so I can sneak in slices of me.
Like a big dose of me would kill you or something. Ok, so maybe I can be a bit over the top at times and sometimes I ramble and say things that seem inconsistent.
But that's life and if you don't like it then I guess nobody is making you read me or my shit.
I get sick times and sometimes I just want to chat on my blog much like a friend you don't have energy to see, but you still have a nice chat on the phone.
Sometimes, the blog is all I need to talk to - but it may not always be entertaining.
So sorry.

I'm going to accept that I have sickness and not hide away on some wierd blog that no one knows about like I'm ashamed of who I am. I am heroinegirl and she is me. I don't want to run from that anymore. Please support me and bear with me on this journey to solder all my personalities together. I'm learning how to be me and all the parts of me are jumping around all crazy and like "pay me attention I'm funny" and then "talk about me cos I'm so smart and clever" and then the rebel part of me is like "fuck the world sideways running" and then my inner child is like " The world is so beautiful but I'm lost in the tragedy" and all of these voices are competing to get out and I'm just trying to be fair.
I don't want to be a freak.
I don't want to have a chip on my shoulder, be a junkie wash-out, be depressed , be sickly and defeated or be a raving fucking hippie. I want all of this and none of it.
I want to find myself and stick with it.
I want to hear my name called and know the story behind it.
The full story that I will believe is good enough. Finally, maybe I will believe that I am good enough to stop defining who I am and just get on the playing field and do what I do.

I was running away from blogging because I get sick and tired and I don't want to burden everybody with my moaning and sadness. Silly, I know because you are all such sweet people and that's why I'm packing up and heading back home.

I told you I was crazy like a coconut.
Let's keep going on this journey together..

What do you say... we are out of the gutter and now should we head to the stars?
I may have days that I'm not on form or super witty or grammatically correct.
Sometimes I just want to be a sooky la la and I don't have energy to be inspirational because I feel like an ass and my life is stuck in a creative rut.

Sorry for the confusion. I'm sticking with my old blog Heroinegirl.
Literally speaking is my journalistic hobby - it breaks it up a little so you can still keep the links.
I have great plans for that.