I want to break free

Hello Lovelies,

Treatment has been a little rough this week so I've been posting less. The router is working well and I've been polishing up the proposal. My sister has moved back into Mum and Dad's and I'm going to stay with my parents for the long weekend which is sure to be 'exciting'.
The Brain Fog is really depressing me at the moment, I can't recall numbers, details or strings of information. I hit rock bottom tonight (ok maybe not rock bottom as grading would be rock bottom) when I froze through my pattern (28 move and I stopped on move 25)
I've practiced so much and I want to nail this Taekwondo pattern more than any of the other green belts (Bf can do it) as grading is coming up. Our instructor is really putting the pressure on too, now that I'm considered a senior.
I know all the moves, I just don't know (by heart) which is my right and left.
Then the memory loss kicks in - followed by anxiety. The more I practice the more angry I get when I "choke". I don't want to give up my Taekwondo training as it's something I really enjoy but most "chemo" patients would put it on hold until treatment is over.
I believe that it could be done though and I can go for my blue tip belt on June 4th.
I plan to memorize the 28 moves so well that it comes naturally - without thought.
My instructor says that it's my thought (I over think and then panic) which disrupt the flow of the movements from my body. I'm lost though because if I don't think extra hard - I won't remember ANY moves.

I cried privately at training and felt sorry for myself.
The stepmother always told me "You're a bookworm HG - not a sportsperson!" and as a result I have always experienced extreme anxiety when it comes to participating in a group sport. I never had a Dad to teach me the basics. They always laughed at how I could never catch a ball or much less throw it at a target. That's why I'm really determined to broaden my horizons and try it - see if maybe you can teach a dog new tricks. I've had days at training were I feel that I'm so un-coordinated , like poison has numbed my limbs so they do the opposite of what my brain wants it to. It makes me want to give up and believe what my family says about me is true. But the thing is - I want to be a sporty girl. I want to look good and I want to be able to protect myself if a dangerous situation ever arises. For all of my life, when sport time comes around, I lurk in the corner with a tight knot in my chest. I freeze as my ears fill with The Stepmother's cruel laugh and those words "You're as uncoordinated as one can be".
I start to wonder if that's what the class is wondering or if The Instructor is bewildered by my gangly arms and constant mistakes. To be fair, I always give 100% in class and everyone knows that. I have the loudest shout and I'm always listening and following instruction.
In my heart, I can honestly say that I'm putting everything into being the best fighter I can.
I just can't relax doing sport - it's that fear of failure. It's that title that my parents gave me that makes me have the worst case of performance anxiety. I'm an A grade debater, writer and I adore public speaking yet throw me a ball and I have a 15% chance of catching it.
I just don't know how. Add to that list ; kicking a ball, dribbling, doing a forward roll, tennis or using a bat, throwing underarm, throwing long and catching long.
Part of getting on with life has been taking on my wildest dreams. Pushing myself to explore all that I can be (not what our parent's wanted us to be) and it's grilling soul searching stuff.
Some times I feel stupid like I'm trying to rewire something that will only function one way; the way it was in the past. I'm tired of panicking when someone throws me the ball but most of all I'm tired of not being able to feel good enough to pick it up the ball and just keep playing...

This rebirth thing is hard.
HG
Boo-hoo for me.



A list of all the Taekwon-do Patterns