A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Twisted Neon Straws

Books tell you how to suss out if a guy is giving you the "red flag" to ending a relationship and then said book outlines a range of tactics to swing the suitor back into the harbor of everlasting love. But what about girlfriends? Have you ever maintained a friendship that you felt had expired, hanging onto anything for the sake of holding on to something? I think it's time we discussed it on a friendship level.
When is it truely fair and not inflammatory to realise when a friend...is..
Is just not that into you?
(I know the cheek of it all !)

Let's say you have great hygiene and your awesome. In fact, what if you honestly have no idea why it just never gels between you and this one person. You try probably not enough as no-one likes being the fat kid at school that gave away lunch money for friendships. But then apathy creeps in and I feel the whole arguement is lost. Whats worse is these non-into you people can linger in your life for years, making some situations downright awkward. Did somebody say "Too Hard Basket" ? Do you get older (like I am doing) and resign your friendships to the following credo
"Oh well we all have separate lives now. " Or do we heal from the rejection and say " You know you is a mean old cow and you should like me cause I'm awesome and have I mentioned you fucking suck !
p.s fuck you, never liked you anyway.
To me one requires guts - however the jury is out on the maturity of this response ;)
But you get the gist. A spade is a spade.

I know by now you are thinking - sheesh HG sounds angry about something and cut. Ok you are right ( as always )
Now, I promised that I wouldn't directly talk about people that are in my life but don't read the blog. But I have to as it's on my mind. I didn't get invited to the first wedding of my school friend. It's my first wedding and yes I'm hearing a lot of "me" what this means to "me" coming up in this post...but this is what a blog is about.

No effort has been made to include me or broach it - it's the festering of the social ignorance that makes me kinda think this person is not very nice at all. When someone mentions the wedding around me, that stupid highschool thing of looking sideways and muttering and kicking feet occurs. I'm like oh lord - I'm the cool one. Don't you go there honey.
Since when was getting married a ticket to a bitchville.
Does it hurt? Maybe. Does it piss me off. Absofuckinglutely.
It's so desperate housewifes - without all the sexy gardners and nice homes.

In a way, I wish I could get over the anger so I could deal with the hurt of missing her day.
We have grown up together at school , she was the quiet one of the group and I "may" of resented her joining our high school group of girl friends. Not in a "Mean Girl's" attack but more in a brooding "You should know that you are never really going to gel with me so why don't we just take distant corners now" Good lord - I was sixteen and thought I knew it all.

Then I did drugs and the gap just went whooooooooooooooooop (wide open) Like way!
I had many bridges to mend and thought why not add this tarnished and broken friendship to the repair list. I believe that even though we went to school together , that as women you need to have more than that. You need to participate in a friendship in days where your lucky to check your gmail and catch a movie with a sweetheart before you are off the the cubicle again.
Therefore, I was willing to prove I could make such investments and also take the initiative.
Maybe she was shy. No, cos she is just like it with me. So I have the following conversation with my brain (who is the best shrink I know)

HG... let's say it together..Repeat after me.
She's just not that into you

No wait. It was the drugs..she was a square bear and I think it seriously freaked her out. I was a lot to handle back then ..Although I have been clean for three years now... ??

Um....How can I put this
"She's just not that into you"

I've emailed this girl and sent her best wishes for her wedding. I've asked her if we could broach the subject and an awkward HG driven monologue ensued. It was weird, like I was apologizing for not being normal enough and the only way to find middle ground as new friends, was to lower my past image. But it shouldn't be about that with a friend. There is no penance with friends. I made a lot of mistakes but I believe it enhances the level of compassion and understanding I can display with others. They only wish they could be so loving.
Trust me... I'm a special one when it comes to love. It's my life source.

Maybe she didn't get the thirteen emails (ok I sent one but it even had wedding quotes in it and thoughts) or maybe she is going to call me. Yeah. Maybe no one told her that I had asked for the dates.. Could it be? I mean...Could it finally be time to accept ...

[chorus] "She's just not that into you"
The wedding that I'm not invited too and I think it's because I don't gel with her.
Well..Don't you agree that some girls are just not the gel type. You have to do everything right by her (never take the boyfriends side) never tell her to stop being a soak and basically have alternating moments of "your the best mediocre friend I've had" to "wow that was really wierd, I felt like I didn't even know her just then" Now, if that's what people investing time are getting, I'm hardly going to jump in (boots and smiles) and join the queue of people that are barely having a friendship that thrives much less one that will handle a crisis (like my illness for example)

I mean please - I'm fucking fabulous ok?

I detest a victim mentality, sometimes the pain of being trapped inside yourself is worse than being thrust into the cold stark reality that you have to just accept it. Not everyone cares about you. I know to an abused child or someone who has been through a life that has been traumatic, this is almost hysteria inducing the first few times it is demonstrated to you. Even if I'm clean, even if I'm working, even if I still ring my parents and visit them on the weekend - they probably still won't care about me.

As life and hormones and boys enter our lives and we become women, some of our friendships fall to the wayside. As women, we weed out the girls who steal our clothes, steal our boyfriends, bitch behind our backs, put you down passive aggressive way, the girls who only talk about themselves, girls that aren't very bright and even worse have no sense of humor. I weeded all those phillies out by 25. However, The lines blur when you also happened to treat most of your friends like crap because you wanted to shoot junk as opposed to catching the latest J-Lo movie. Simply put, I scared them. I was the quintessential too hard basket. The Bride has never really changed her outlook enough to appreciate the changes I underwent to be a better friend.
I'd appreciate the issue being addressed seeing she has always pretended to be my friend.
That's the thing.. she is not talking about this wedding and it's like confetti cancer.
Now everyone fucking feels wierd and so do I , when I speak my best friend who is a bridesmaid. (I don't give a frig about this - I suspect it was a very big honour considering I'm not good enough to even confront about the issue)

But, It takes a strong dose of reality and courage to realize that although you initially thought you were losing them, the harsh truth is that they didn't care for you anyway. I had to really love who I was becoming to accept that they could dislike the person I was whilst still remaining calm. Not frenzied for forgiveness or worse - punishment. Luckily, my girlfriends have put the past behind all of us, including themselves. Except for you know who.
This kind of unexplained "leaving you out of a happy vibe" has sadly happened to me growing up as a child. I felt left out of the sincere moments of love, all I had was special occasions to feel entitled to a little bit of inclusion and when the day was over - I was back on my own.
Eventually those special days - birthdays and xmas and family holidays, became fake days.. Just like the rest. Maybe she is doing me a favor and saving me more fake days or the risk of truly being hurt.

She's just not that into you
or maybe she just a
crazy ass bitch.

The awesome thing about being me is that with that one line, I definitely will NOT get an invite any time soon to the wedding or anything else in her life. By printing it here and publishing..
It shows me, that I get it. I finally fucking get what I'm about and who I am.

Guess what sunshine

Maybe I'm just not into you anymore..
I'm all grown up too.
But I'm still fucking fabulous.

Hope you live happy ever after.

But this is the end of the road for us.

[end purge]


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