Due to public outcry (ok so maybe no one was actually crying perse but you know who you are)II won't be leaving Heroinegirl. I was talking to a few well known blogger types about my current identity crisis. You see, I want to help people with hepatitis C and I want to relate. When I type it here I feel like it must be dragging you guys down - nobody likes a sick person. Then I thought well to hell with it - this is who I am and I'm not Heroinegirl either. I'm off heroin and all that memoir stuff is over - it's nothing. I refer to Heroinegirl in the third person until my blogging mentor pulled me up on it. I realise that I have issues with coming to terms with all of me - past, present and future. Why ? Probably because I've always lived in hope that things would be better in the future, seeing that they sucked in the present. Now my life has changed and it's time I changed with it. I want to be one girl on one blog and this is why I started this fucking blog. I keep trying to run from myself - I keep wanting to section my feelings into compartments , if only so I can sneak in slices of me.
Like a big dose of me would kill you or something. Ok, so maybe I can be a bit over the top at times and sometimes I ramble and say things that seem inconsistent.
But that's life and if you don't like it then I guess nobody is making you read me or my shit.
I get sick times and sometimes I just want to chat on my blog much like a friend you don't have energy to see, but you still have a nice chat on the phone.
Sometimes, the blog is all I need to talk to - but it may not always be entertaining.
I'm going to accept that I have sickness and not hide away on some wierd blog that no one knows about like I'm ashamed of who I am. I am heroinegirl and she is me. I don't want to run from that anymore. Please support me and bear with me on this journey to solder all my personalities together. I'm learning how to be me and all the parts of me are jumping around all crazy and like "pay me attention I'm funny" and then "talk about me cos I'm so smart and clever" and then the rebel part of me is like "fuck the world sideways running" and then my inner child is like " The world is so beautiful but I'm lost in the tragedy" and all of these voices are competing to get out and I'm just trying to be fair.
I don't want to be a freak.
I don't want to have a chip on my shoulder, be a junkie wash-out, be depressed , be sickly and defeated or be a raving fucking hippie. I want all of this and none of it.
I want to find myself and stick with it.
I want to hear my name called and know the story behind it.
The full story that I will believe is good enough. Finally, maybe I will believe that I am good enough to stop defining who I am and just get on the playing field and do what I do.
I was running away from blogging because I get sick and tired and I don't want to burden everybody with my moaning and sadness. Silly, I know because you are all such sweet people and that's why I'm packing up and heading back home.
I told you I was crazy like a coconut.
Let's keep going on this journey together..
What do you say... we are out of the gutter and now should we head to the stars?
I may have days that I'm not on form or super witty or grammatically correct.
Sometimes I just want to be a sooky la la and I don't have energy to be inspirational because I feel like an ass and my life is stuck in a creative rut.
Sorry for the confusion. I'm sticking with my old blog Heroinegirl.
Literally speaking is my journalistic hobby - it breaks it up a little so you can still keep the links.
I have great plans for that.