A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Friday, March 11, 2005

My Pattern

I made sure that I went to training last night just to check how my stamina is going and I'm pretty concerned with how I'm going to last the two hours. Doing my pattern, I got very dizzy and pale. This was only the usual 60 minute lesson which isn't very cool. I spoke to one of the blacks regarding my anemia. Honestly, I was quite disenchanted by the end of the lesson and I did feel like maybe tackling the chemo and the taekwondo is just too ambitious. That said, I don't want to give up on my TKD, it's the first sport that I actually like and I don't want to quit it (like everyone expects me to do because I'm the token unco skinny girl) Luckily, he was very understanding, he advised me that it was ok to ask for a brief respite on the day. I just need to raise my hand and cite medical reason so I can have a drink of cool water and a rest mid way through.

This is a cheat sheet that BF and I found on the internet for our pattern, so now you can see exactly what steps I am doing. The pattern is one facet of the grading, we also have to do sparring, warm-ups and kicks and punches. I always stay and watch my peers get awarded the higher belts as I learn a lot from watching the seniors. I love sparring but I need to remember to breathe which is hard because you are also meant to shout which takes even more breathing. I' a mouth breather too (I don't use my nose at all for breathing) for this reason I'm slightly challenged when it comes to athletic activity, swimming or even singing. The stepmother took me to the doctors after many attempts to hold my mouth shut would end up with me hysterical my nose would bleed from the panic. I don't know if she was actually concerned at my breathing patterns or if it was another thing she could slap me for when I least expected it.
True, sometimes I can be sitting there and my mouth is open like a simpleton but I never was the kind of spirit to respond to screaming hostility and violence, so here I am today with major developmental flaws. I'm slowly learning how to cook and do the simple things in live like washing. BF is teaching me how to fish rather than fuss over me and make it too easy.

There is so much I don't know about being a girl and I admit that I have brought myself up rather feral and it's one of the hardest things to change. It's not that I am a dirty girl, it's just that I have no clue about general women's business and I often feel frustrated and resentful.
For instance, I hardly ever wear a bra. Luckily, I'm not top-heavy but BF is still a bit shocked when he sees me try to leave the house with the headlights switched to on. When I do wear a bra, it's the wrong size and all twisted up. I don't know how to clean the house and when I wash dishes they still seem to have food on them. I wish I had a mum when I was little, just to give me some of those finishing touches that fine-tune us for life as a lady. It's been a very humbling journey to re-learn how to use sanitary products (I couldn't afford them on the streets) and to learn how to wash my hair and keep it free from tangles. I still have a long way to go, but I will do my best. It just gets me down sometimes ...I don't know why I resist being a prissy girl.
Maybe because it reminds me of the huge gap in my life, when my mother drove away that day.

Maybe baby.

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