A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Jane Says..

Oh man..You might remember I blogged about Jane a few weeks ago our love-hungry dating addict. Yeah sure you do - She's the compulsive dater and professional doormat. Remember how she drove at midnight to retrieve a key she got cut for her "man" as a present for Valentine's day (even though he said they were not official and he wasn't ready for anything serious as it was only two weeks into things !!) The one that has had 15 relationships in six months?

Well I'm going to let you in on a tiny secret - "Jane" is actually the the mother of bf's daughter (aged 7) I call her Miss 7. Now, I'm really going to try and rein in my opinions on the whole ex-wife thing as we all no matter how flat you make the pancake - it's always going to have two sides. Because if she ever found my blog she would have a freaking field day with all of my past. She has already clued on that I was a hooker, which surfaced when she was trying to validate keeping the girls from visiting (you all remember how sad I was about all that mess)
Whatever she can throw in my face (to counteract the fact that I'm fucking in love with her ex-husband) she does and she does it behind my back. Of course everyone (even you strangers) know about me already. I don't lead a double life however I didn't tell her as it's my past now, besides I knew she would totally go mental. She didn't disappoint. But we are on a good patch at the moment and the girls are back in our lives which is a blessing.

I have pleasant relations with her - she's the kind of girl that is ok with anything we do as long as she is involved with a partner of own. Unfortunately this is oft hoped for and seldom achieved. Le Sigh. In fact, the likelihood of this occurring is virtually near impossible (I'm not being mean ) Every single guy she has dated so far has quickly summized that they can use her for sex and a temporary girlfriend but they don't have to date her and there is less fuss if you do. She explains that the only way she keeps them interested (and then they may change their mind) is by lowing her own expectations about how she should be treated. Often, the men she meets (sometimes off the internet) become fuck buddies and nothing more. It's so predictable that it's hard not wince with smugness when it happens over and over. I mean common ! Men like to chase girls and being a Klingon is the express route to Dumpsville, Population - YOU.

I worry what the little girls are thinking - seeing her mother constantly texting her lovers (now up to 40 a day) and spending long amounts of time chatting on the computer. (Not that I can talk but I'm not a Mum and I know my years of freedom are now) Unlike motherhood, when it comes to making a guy happy she will keenly pull out all the stops (including using protection) to lure men into her bed. From there, she is convinced that she can swing a man into loving her , she just needs to get them alone.

The current guy (you know the one that rung me and hit on me which I still haven't told her) has explained to her many times that he is only interested in something casual. He wants to be fair to her and the girls and he just has too much going on right now. Sounds like a big fat case of "he's just not that Into you" . However he does add that he can still manage to have sex with her occasionally so if she doesn't like that then she can get something better. I guess she thinks it's better than being alone or something ? Man, I'm glad I've grown up a bit.

Of course, she thinks he is just the "Cat's Pjyamas" even though he only ever sees her when he is drunk ( another bad sign) he leaves in the morning and she has not met any family or friends
When she calls him on the phone to arrange to see him on the weekend he tells her "I'm in a middle of a dvd I'll call you back" but of course he doesn't.
Surely this isn't what you boys are doing to your girlfriends?

Quite forcefully, she met Mr C's neighbor who then she offered to sleep with and whilst drunk and bitter proceeded to blab all about Mr C to the neighbor (re: sexual performance and his attitude towards life) Of course, it's never anything to do with her why guys run for the hills.
She is the victim and has always maintained the lead role in her own nauseating drama.
I know I sound bitchy but I had to vent here as this is my blog!

I don't know about you other girls in a defacto relationship but I'm ashamed to ever go back to the dating game if this is what is out there. Honey - I want to stay with you forever cos the world has gone slut crazy@! I think a casual root is fine.. but at least know your worth..Otherwise you might as well fucking charge the bastards. Am I totally jaded from actually charging for it - maybe thats why I think it's extra slutty with a side serve of easy rings.

In order to mend her broken heart about Mr C breaking up with her (which the thoughtful lad did via text message bless him) she hoped online.. looking for a quick 'dix fix'. Of course a guy off msn offered to fill up her Saturday night (in more ways than one) when suddenly she had what I thought was an attack of morals. She was fretting that although she was not official with Mr C she didn't want him to find out she had fucked someone else - cos then it may be over for real.
Yes... She has all different slants on the "It's just not working out".

I counseled her for an hour on msn and we looked at all the options. After this, we decided it would be better that she took time for herself and dealt with Mr C first as even though he was resolved of his feelings for her - she had not.
We were both pleased with this decision, proud that she had stopped reacting to the neediness.
Unbeknownst to me I babysat the girls whilst she drove to the msn boy and fucked him without a condom and drove herself home ( no, she was not allowed to stay it was just for sex) so no one was any wiser. I don't know why I bother sometimes!

I wasn't surprised when she confessed she would need to collect a script for the morning after pill (he doesn't like to use condoms poor little tot) and then she had a brilliant idea. Bare with me, I can assure you this story only goes further downhill peoples !

I know all of this because she has no friends and it doesn't really hurt me and I try and sort out her emotions , not just for her sake but for the little ones. It's hard on them to be in such a crazy environment. She's one of those mothers that always speaks about sexual conquests in front of children and involves them in her dating.
Ie: she asks the girls to call Mr C and ask him why he is not coming down.

Anyway so back to getting the morning after pill which I suggested. I know she fell preggers with BF's daughter 4 weeks into it (she was engaged to the first girls father at the time and cheated on him with BF and then whoops fell pregnant) Yeah BF got more than he bargained for that night on the vinyl lounge (blech that she always tells me about) Dear me ! You gotta laugh or you would surely. Of course BF doesn't regret as he has the most angelic daughter - but it was still pretty fucking obvious. She has done it twice and things she says (You know I could just not have this pill and I would have the baby) make me do a double take and think maybe she did entrap my BF. Who knows, it's in the past anyhow.
Before I could stop her and pry the phone from her hands she has sms'd Mr C and said "Why don't you come down and we can fuck for one last time, and you can come inside me and i will have a pill"
He sms'd her back "Ok I'm in but only sex" I mean who would say no to a free root.

I shook my head and I warned that she had unprotected sex on Saturday and she should really take the pill on the 48 hours (not the seventy two to be sure)
Mr C didn't even turn up (how humiliating) and he hasn't even called her to explain why.
She has been sms'ing him all day and he is just not replying.
She just told me she forgot to have the second pill of her Morning after Pill.
Women like this give us all a bad name. I get so mad !!!
They think they can go against the laws of human nature and tag themselves a man.
Newsflash ! I think she is getting treated worse than I was as a hooker.
If she has another child - I swear ! I see already that she struggles to keep sane and we always help her out and make sure we are chilled with the kids and shower them with love.
Surely a baby would not keep this man - I don't get why women think like this ????

I just had to rant about it, cos her msn window is flashing and I would've started to get frustrated. I've read her passages of "He's Just Not That into You" and she doesn't listen she is sooo self absorbed and when she is not out to the left then she crashes into a depression and locks herself in a room and sms's us saying she is going to kill herself.

I wouldn't care if she didn't have my baby's baby.. Well I would care but you know what I mean. I just try and do my best and be a good stepmom and I know the girls both love me.
It's nice they can see their Dad have healthy relationships, that's why we don't fight or be nasty around the children (we don't much anyway) and we try and make those girls know that we love them and they don't need boys.

Miss eight has already said that she wants to kiss boys and her Mother found her diary (and read it -le sigh) And it said this ;

Jared and i broke up today , he said that i was nice but i know i am never good enough for him. i really thought we had a chance.

She was in Grade THREE! Why does she even have all these adult emotions. Goodness.
I mean at what point can I step in as a stepmom and say " You are always good enough and you don't need a man" when they see their Mum getting treated rough and basically used.
They have told me that Mummy can't find anyone to stay with her. Then Miss seven said to her Mum " Mummy, I know that he doesn't love you" - That's how obvious it is to everyone.

Wow what a blurt...
Saves me relating it all to BF.
I will probably delete it in 2 days so I'm safe.
Last time she banished the kids from us ( for five months) was when she found out I had Hep C.
She told the children that they couldn't hug me and that Daddy had chosen me and my sickness over them as he had to choose me or them. We only just got back into seeing them, so I just play things cool. She is a fucking lose cannon though and it's Easter and we have the girls and she is too busy worrying about all these internet schleps to even organize a special day for the girls.
Poor lil tigers - I know they are allergic to chocolate but it doesn't mean we have to ditch the whole freakin holiday! She just text-messaged me that her mother has set her up with one of her rich single guys (who has two kids) Man - is even her mum pimping her out? This dude has offered to fly her interstate and put her up in a hotel over the holiday weekend.

Me: So it's a dirty weekend - cos men don't pay 600 to say hi !
Her: No he said nothing like that will happen. He just wants to show me around town and have dinner. He wants me to stay until Monday so you and bf need the girls for the entire weekend.
Me: Well you better ring him and check it all out.

Excuse me ...But what part of this doesn't scream "I'm a prostitute"
She's not even getting paid - she is getting dinner (which will probably be awkward)
I imagined a funny skit in my head when she was gabbering on the phone and it went a little something like this..

Him: So Michelle..
Her: Actually it's Mandy -
Him: Whatever. After we finish this bottle of wine, I want to touch you all over with my crazy hairy fingers and get all creepy old daddy on yo ass. I said I would give you a tour - The tour of the my red meaty man sword. You didn't seriously think I would marry a girl that jumps on a plane and meets a sweaty old man and fucks him for some oysters kilpatrick??
Her : *winces*
Him: Oh Melissa.. You did.

Man I don't know why I care - maybe I'm jealous that I'm not being jetted around.
But I feel infuriated. She even gives hookers a bad name.
At least I know they pack condoms.

So now, I have to change Easter plans. I know for a fact that she often bullies me into plans and then when it's the weekend - no one has a clue what the hell is going on with the babies.

BF gets all confused and I get upset because he is upset and then the girls get upset.
You know those people that never confirm things but always seem to think you agreed to whatever they wanted. They live in the grey. Hell - with her you don't ever have to even say yes - if you spoke about it once drunk at a petrol station then she will dig it up if she needs to and makes it into a big official thing.
I hate people that do it and I think it's terrible when organizing the kids.

My sister is coming this weekend so it's going to be a full house as we have a small flat and we all seem to get all cooped up by the second day.
Hardly helping the mix is the adorable but challenging Miss eight who has ADD and cannot have any "pyscho" foods as when she was a baby she only ever ate canned food.

Then I think I'm going to visit my parents, which is always a pleasant bludgeon to the self-esteem and sanity.

Happy fucking Holidays.

It's been really, really painful not to blog about her - she is infuriating most of the time.

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