A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Echoes from the past

Today started off better than expected which was a welcome surprise. I received great news from my liver specialist - the new half dose is doing well and my nutrophills are holding their own (this means no cancer drugs) Giddy-up!
Plus I have less Ribavirin tablets and as a result my red blood cells have risen slightly (which explains why I feel better this week - thank lord cos anemia is a bitch).

Basically, I can hope for smooth sailing from here to the end of therapy. The Doc reminded us today that people with genotype 1 have a 40% - 50% chance of sustaining a viral response. Bf was there to hold my hand as she advised both of us that even those odds, that mine may be even less. Those percentages were obtained from patients who had taken the full year of meds and unfortunately I've had half doses, having to stop/start a few times.

However, she did pause and add that I had displayed a negative result to Hep C test only 8 weeks into my therapy( and that my friends is promising !!)
Still - it really could go either way and I sensed a feeling that the Doc seemed to think 50% is not the best odds but also not the worst. To me it seems good - of two peeps have Hep C - one becomes reinfected with the virus but the one will clear it completely. I'm praying for the latter.
If I don't cure it - I will be a little pissed off that I spent so much time sick and yucky. I don't think I will be repeating the drugs until they have less side effects. I get angry when I see Pamela Anderson out having fun (she has Hep C) getting hammered and I can't. Apparently, Pammie refused to do my treatment as it was too punishing on the body. No shit !!
Actually, BF said he read in magazine that she has already had a liver transplant. So that must be the celebrity cure - if your livers on the way out - just go and buy yourself enough one !

Anyhow I'm not a celebrity so I'm taking it one day at a time and at the moment I have umm.. Five months before we even get to that stage. I know that being negative is not going to help that period go any quicker. In short, I left pretty happy that my viral drugs are not so full on anymore and had a nice big 'nanna nap' to reward myself.

When I got back online, I received an IM from BF (yes we talk to each other at least eight times a day) saying that my sister had called and that there was dramas. Straight away I thought "Well my sister is 18 and she probably has found something cooler to do for the holiday."
I braced myself for the disappointment that I was used to when it came to family.
I will share it with you now - even though I know Lil Sis will probably read this when she is here over the weekend (she adores this blog btw - she loves looking up to Big Sis) what the drama was.

I don't know if you are up to date with my story (my memoirs are to the right) - but you may recall that my younger sister (let's call her Miss C) is the Stepmother's daughter and we share a dad. We don't call each other half-sisters because that's not very Sopranos like and I think I'm Anthony Soprano ;)
Anyhoo, Miss C just finished high-school and works at a local supermarket during the week - we ( and I mean bf and myself) are working on starting her on a career path. It doesn't help when I don't have the support of the parents, Dad's drinking and abuse is not helping her settle into a routine either.

Unfortunately, I live a one hours drive away and I don't drive. Otherwise, I would play a bigger role in getting her a decent job that gives her a solid salary and some skills. Alas, she has worked at the grocery store since she was 14 which is not such a bad thing but I know she is a bright girl and I want the very best for her - she is not using all her skills. All of the kids work hard because we don't want to be like our parents, with old threadbare furniture and a rented house full of pets and stink. Dad is the brains in our family - but Miss C and him have the same relationship that I share with The Stepmother - that is we simply don't have one.

My father used to be a happy drunk (which can still be annoying) and as he has obliterated braincells I've noticed his drunken behaviour become progressively more spiteful and menacing. I hear some terrible things and I worry for My Dad - it's not the same man that I knew. He has become more bitter and angry, sometimes downright cruel. He has been known to call my sister a fucking bitch and a lazy fat pig (she is like size ten!) Growing up my Dad never spoke to me like that (which ain't helping her that I don't understand) and I wonder why he would with another daughter? Miss C has said that after this fight, she is never going back.
I remember the day I said that... I remember.

After she graduated, Miss C has had to enter the big bad world. Now, no-one knows the highs and lows like yours truly, so I don't pander to her but I don't let her roam lost either. Even though Mum says she is an adult - to me 18 is just a baby. The stepmother has cut her loose.
I've said it once and I'll say it again that I really think The Stepmother is seriously disturbed. I'm even more convinced that she has a few screws loose now that I see the old patterns rearing their ugly head. From what I've experienced, as we have grown into women she becomes threatened by us and our freedom to live our own lives. But I don't get it as she is very emotionally distant - not clingy or controlling at all. Just very cruel comments that make you you doubt yourself to the extreme, subtly taking you down a knotch just when you think you are ready to finally start flying. For as long as I have been her stepdaughter she has played games with our heads and has no qualms in playing favourites.

I've never been able to ask a question about school or career concerns. She is docile when it comes to achievement and the real world. It's all about the drama of life - feel sorry for me with my alcoholic husband. She is the pin up girl for low self-esteem (sex and the city line)

It would be a waste of time asking her advice regarding being a successful and happy person. As she herself has reverted to anti-depressants she has had the sense of mind to finally admit that she has NO IDEA how to be happy. Great. That's just f'n great. When it comes to getting ahead in life and dealing with the shit that brings, Dad can be* cool (*sober) . But when he is sober he is too ashamed to talk to us ...and locks himself in the bedroom.

Still, the stepmother sides with Dad when he is sober but when he is drunk she will turn on him and her favorite thing to do is involve the children. We all grew up as mini umpires for their screaming matches. Helpless, we watched our parents rip each other's souls to pieces.
No wonder I feel there is nothing left for us....

The Stepmother tries to manipulate us into conforming to her emotional patterns. I've warned my sister that her time is now. However, Miss C is feistier than I ever was (I was too busy trying to make her love me) She doesn't tolerate fools and has be known to speak the truth and this never sits well in our family, which is built on a foundation of secrets and denial.
Me, on the other hand, well my coping mechanism is to try and swing her around to my viewpoint. I fear she is just too old to change now - so I've cut her from my life. I see her at X,as and special occasions but that is all. I try my best to never be like her (esp if I'm a mum) Can you say the word - AVERSION ?

I've spent some time analyzing what background - looking for signs of a pattern. If anything I could help the kids manage her abuse and manage to move out relatively unscathed. Mum has always drilled into us that when she was seventeen she feel pregnant with Adrian (evil seed) and she was a single mum. As much as she implores we can never be like that - she has no brain or wish to make us thrive. It's like she is envious of our own lives - we earned them and they are nothing to fucking do with what happened to her.
I know this now but it took many years to believe it. Now I hate her so go figure if that's any better for me ! Sure, I'm pleasant on the outside when I need to be, but she could see in my eyes that I was all about hate and that I'd saved it all for her.

Dad is his own crazy carnival. The worse part about when Dad gets drunk is that all of a sudden he wants to start emotional conversations, forcing his own drunken opinions on you. Yet, he goes overboard with the whole "I'm your father and you will respect me and do what I say" although he never does anything to earn our respect. He can't even walk in a straight line. He hides himself in a god damn bottle - that's not a man. He knows this and kids aren't dumb.

Still when you're are a daddies little girl, you fight on almost refusing to be knocked down in the final round of love and trust. Stumbling around, stemming the blood that drips so steady. you try to figure it all out - if only so you can keep going on thinking he's just the best thing ever created by God. He's your daddy ... He is the man.


When I was little I tried to play his games as I thought for once he would be on my side. Even if he was drunk - I didn't care. I would open up about how much I hated things with The Stepmother and I'd see a flicker of my daddy that I once knew. He would hug me and sometimes he would cry too. But it was always different the next day...

The next day though when he was sober he would be the silent man on the couch again - I knew that he wouldn't be able to talk to me about my feelings (hell I don't think he even remembered our conversations) After that happened for years and The Stepmother accused me of trying to play on Dad's soft spots when he was drunk (mole) I learnt to just avoid Dad and save myself the politics.

All of us kids knew the drill; make sure your bedroom lights are out and when you hear your name being drunkenly slurred whatever you do - don't answer. Pretend to be asleep and pray that he will just fall asleep on the kitchen floor again. Then he is waking your little sister and brother and you hear The Stepmother struggling with him in the hallway. She is screaming and he is saying very mean things - about all of us. I still hear his screams, spit frothing from his mouth and his bloodshot eyes shining with anger.

"My own family disappoints me, I comes home after working my ass off to pay all your fucking bills and buy your fucking food and what do I get !! {punches wall) NO dinner is made and the house is a fucking mess!!"

We know better than to answer, so I hear only quiet sobs.
"Where is ***** ?" He slurs. Eager for the next victim.
"She's asleep - Don't " I hear grappling noises outside my door and my eyes widen with fear.
Even though I knew it would come to me - it always did - it still was scary.

He shouted my name down the hallway at 1 am - arrogance dripping from his words. A gush of air washes over my face as I try to look asleep. I can smell his booze and my heart is pounding. He says my name and I stay silent..just like I have been told to do.

It wasn't good enough. I hear him fumbling for the light switch and the room is flooding with light and screaming and then everyone is here around my bed and I'm in the middle..trying to make everyone calm down. Daddy drags me from bed to do the dishes and I'm not allowed to go back to bed until it's all done to his satisfaction. It's now three in the morning and I'm so old and tired within...regardless of the time.
The next morning he leaves for work and when he comes home he goes straight to bed as tonight is hangover night for Daddy. But give it another night and it will happen again and again.

Why do I love him if I know thathe won't change now. I guess he is all I have left.
He has done this for twenty-seven years of my life - do I know any better?

Obviously the alcohol makes him more confident to talk about his feelings, but there is no in between for him. I swear in the daytime, I hardly hear my dad speak one word to any of us. He goes to work every day as a plasterer, leaving and arriving home in the early mornings. Dad is a pub drinker - he likes to escape home and will sit in a pub for hours and hours.
After he drinks two times his body weight Mum will either drive down and collect him at a prearranged time or he will just drink drive (yes they live in built up surburbia and I hope he loses his license)
As you know I was so happy to get out of this environment, in addition to Dad and his drunken ways I had to shoulder the blame for having such a delinquent father. I could see he was hurting, but I know he needs help. He is still in denial - he doesn't have a problem apparently.

Miss C hates my Father for all the times she has had friends over and he has abused her in front of them. She once told me of a time she had friends over for a slumber party and dad burst in on them in the shower. he yanked my little brother who was in the bath with two girls (fuck - he was four) and spanked him hard saying that he was a dirty little bastard.
She told me with angry tears how her girlfriends (also in the bath) tried to cover themselves as Dad towered over them , rum breath and sweat the only smell. The seven year old girls screamed for The Stepmother and she came in and started to punch my father in the face.
"You drunken asshole - You fucking idiot" she pushed him into the wall and he stared at her drunk and lopsided slurring his speech.
"He's a dirty little boy - he's too old for that now" That's Dad. Denial works best for him.

The Stepmother quickly tried to appease the girls and my sister who was absolutely mortified.
This was such a shameful moment for her - and to add insult she had invited the most popular girls and now all they wanted to do was go home. She cried very hard after they all left.

After that debacle, Mum wasn't prepared to let it get any worse. The little girls were no longer in party mood and they all ate the birthday cake in terrified silence. The girls were aged 8 and under.

In the end, the girls asked The Stepmother to go home as they were afraid to go to sleep. The Stepmother made the phonecalls and their parents came and collected the children from the party. Needless to say, they were not allowed to ever visit our house again. That happened when I had left and when she tells me about those things - I can understand why she would harbor a lot of anger. The night before the party, she crept out in her nightgown and pleaded that Daddy wouldn't get drunk and embarrass her.
"Please Daddy just for one night" she begged
"Of course - I'm not a drunk ! Go to bed and stop being silly"
Yeah whatever. Even I want to punch him for that.

Dad's told me that it's just her age but she vows that it's a deep-seated hatred that has only expanded as she grows into an adult and notices her Father's lacking. After fisticuffs became commonplace with both parents - Mum asked my sister to "get out of the picture for a while" and "give Your father time to cool off".
She is a fucking dickhead - she will always pick her husband over her kids.
It didn't matter to her that my sister had just turned seventeen and was in her final (most important year) of high school. The Stepmother never finished high school - how could she know what she just doesn't know ? As a result my sister's grades suffered (she failed her final year). Needless to say relations with dad and her are icy at best.

We all agreed that for everyone's sake (mainly Miss C's) that she should move into her own place. She did and it was working for a while (I noticed she was a lot calmer and had stopped stressing so much) but the I think she was looking for a more secure environment. A group of her friends are trying to get a place (all very nice girls that I approve of) but no landlords will give them a chance because they are fresh out of school. I have a feeling that this will work out though.. We all have been through that stage and managed to survive ourselves.

After careful consideration she shacked up with her boyfriend (who lives with his parents) but the latest drama is that he cheated on her on the weekend and kissed another girl. (Yes he was drunk) I always subscribe to the everyone gets one chance (if he fucked her it may of been different) but I know that it's kinda of easy to pash off some chick when your sloshed.
I'm bad like that. He told sweet angel as soon as she got home and all shit broke lose.
Young love !

Now my sis is a very proud girl so she felt there was no other option that to cool things with her BF and go back home for a while. Cue drama. Poor little darlingheart rang us today in a flood of tears saying that my father had gotten drunk and abusive yet again. She wasn't even home for two days before he cruelly told my sister that "She was out of their lives now and he only cares about the youngest" then he added "I have never connected with you anyway".

The Stepmother has told her that Dad is Dad and if she doesn't like it she can move out - "It was so much better when you were not around" she added as a final blow to my sister.

I felt my chest tighten when BF told me all the details - the abuse , the manipulation - it all flooding back to me. I picked up the phone to call her and I paused halfway through the number and burst into tears. I knew what the voice would say on the other end - I had been that voice and that person. I have hardly dealt with my own abuse from these same people.

I would feel every one of those tears all over again. I knew exactly how she felt, I remembered the shocking hurt as I run from the family home , while they retreat back into the flames of fury. I steeled myself with the thought that although I never had a big sister, that she does and this time I can actually be there for her (instead of being stoned) However, I'm ashamed to admit to you all that I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't feel like dealing with this shit. Not again.
I'd moved away from a reason - to forget about my parents. Now, it was happening all over again - the same hurtful words. When I was little, The Stepmother coldly informed me that my younger sister was her favorite daughter and I always thought she was safe.
I always though well your really are her daughter - you will get it better than me.
She did for a while - but old habits die hard.

Ashamedly, a slight part of me is resistant to help my sister because NO-one was there to help me. It's a petty thing and I kick myself for even thinking it. I resent Mum not her.
I have to keep that in mind. She needs me. I have to also keep that in mind.

When my parents turned on me (for not getting over the incest) I made it on my own only because I had to. My younger sister and brother got everything after that - as my parents freaked and reassessed the parental direction (or lack thereof) that they were taking.
Basically, they let them do whatever they want. Ie: they both smoke and drink.
My brother is 15. He is failing school.

I can't not get involved as I realized that I got addicted to heroin and nearly died because I was on my own. Maybe I can stop this cycle - from the kids angle. Even though we are growing into adults, I'm not foolish enough to think that we no longer need our parents. To them, we will always be children.
That's what makes me scared - she is so good at manipulating me. When I confront her on Miss C she says " She is a teenage honey - she is a rude and ungrateful bitch and I'm too old for her shit. You don't know her as when she sees you she is an angel. I take her places and buy her things and she still treats me like dirt. Your my favorite daughter now - you know that ! You never gave me any trouble and now I see what a good girl you were."
This is vebatim what she says and I find myself silent on the other end of the phone, thinking if I open my mouth I will betray my sister (by agreeing) or opening myself up to her attacks (by disagreeing) I thought I was strong enough to deal with her but with the treatments mental side effects (lowers serotonin) I'm worried to get involved.
I want to ring them and go off my nut. The stepmother has already suspected that my sis will tell me everything that is happened and as she put it " You will tell her bad things about me and turn her against me - but I'm going to get to her first." I can't wait for that fucking phonecall. My sis was still reeling how Stepmother gave my little brother her room and made his room an office the day after she left home. Head games.
But I have to... I have to be there for my family.
Even if they may never be there for me.

She is coming up tomorrow and staying for three days and I going to really pamper her. Our girls are with us as well, so the family environment will be nice for her. It will be nice to watch the Easter Hunt and make baskets - childhood things can be comforting !!

I thought my abuse was hard to cope with. I was wrong. Watching it happen the exact same way to someone you love is a fresh pain.
God, if you're listening.
Help the Children.
Help my Parents.

Help me be strong for her.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and stay safe.
You can leave a message for HG Jnr (my sister) in the comments as she is really low at the moment and I find that you guys cheer me up when I'm as low.

I'll be blogging over the holidays...

p.s The trip to Sydney for the girl's Mother was cancelled. Apparently he was being a braggart as he was drunk and had no intention of flying Jane down! She still has her bag packed and waiting but has not heard from him at all re: her tickets.
Therefore she is driving up to see MR C (the one who has dumped her) and give him an Easter egg and see if he will talk to her. LOL! Jane is my living soap opera I swear!!


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naltrexon said...

Very detailed and well written. It's a privilege to read such an honest life story.