A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Do I miss high school ?

Remember when you were in highschool and every day was a soap opera and sometimes u would almost convince yourself that you would never recover from this or that? But somehow u did.

When the only time your world made sense is when you could listen to your music in the dark as it blasted from the ghetto. All u could do was get angry at why things always have to change. You write it all down and draw those crazy pictures with the lightning bolts and lovehearts on the borders as you try and grapple with your own expanding and oozing brain. Maybe you smoked to be cool or maybe you were the easiest girl in school but we all knew that it didn't matter so much cos we all had lives to lead of our own. So what fucking changes ?

Everyone told you that these are the 'best years of your life' like they have figured out that living good can still give you cancer.

Even though it was intense when we kissed for the first time or wondered whether we would ever be cool enough to be liked by you and talked to by him/her , somehow most of us got over it and went out and tried to do it all on our own. Just don't point out that you gotta take your happy pills and dance around what you want for your life as you whimper that it just ain't what it used to be. Maybe you got yourself out of those railroad dental braces and straight into a huge fucking credit card debt. Maybe you burst from your tiny trainer bra and became the biggest slut ever. Maybe you grew up knowing that Mummy and daddy never had a clue and that daddy didn't wake so early just to let the sun out of it's cage. You realise he just woke up to have a coffee and moan about how hard it is to be straight - just like so many people you know.
You don't listen to the music anymore and you don't chew taffy like you used to but it still tastes the same to the little people in the world. You like the highschool version of life - where the sexiest teacher in school smelt as nice as her blouse looked. You trim your gardens and curse the trees that leave mess on your SUV - you don't climb those trees anymore and yet you wonder why the world looks different from the ground?

I never get tired of the memories. I just need to make get outside and live life, not sell out to the idea that that best years of my life... are fucking had.
I don't believe it anymore

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