Oh man , I am always exhausted. I promise that I'll be posting more substance, when I can actually sit at the computer without falling asleep. I try not to let it get me down, the tiredness, but I worry the "grey cloud" will become a permanent accessory to the HG experience.
Just trying to stay positive, isn't just a walk in the park.
Whilst over at The Little Girl's house on Sunday Night (BF and I both go over occasionally for a dinner with both girls and his ex-wife) Miss Nine came running from the bathroom , waving something in the air and asking "What's this?" It was a tampon "daan daa daaaaa".
All the adults exchanged flustered side glances and the issue was deftly swept under the carpet.
"You don't need to know about it" I think was the reply. I wonder if the Parents would prefer that the child learn about reproductive function in the schoolyard from other girls the same age as Miss Nine ?
Do you remember your first "Birds and The Bees" talk. Aged nine, I discovered an excellent book on all the nitty gritties from a book hidden behind The Stepmother's pink sweater with the wierd pink pearl buttons. It's name was "Everywoman" by an Australian Gyno and I snuck it into my schoolbag and devoured its absorbing content on my lunchbreaks. I think being sexually active from the age of six, made me feel almost like I was already a woman.
Although I blanked out most of the actual incest, I still felt strangely intrigued by how my body responded to touch. Most survivors struggle with feelings of lust that you have regarding your abuser. It took me a long time to admit that sometimes when he touched me - I liked it.
It took me even longer as a woman to recognize that to feel sexually aroused and excited at the idea of being paid sexual attention is normal. Children never want to be sexually abused! They may want affection from the adults in their life, but they are unable to differentiate between physical affection and sexual exploitation. Submitting to abuse is not the same as consent. It is never the fault of the child.. I believe that now.
As a child I felt helpless, as a woman I was out of control. Even at a very early age I sought the wisdom of books, I thought maybe if I learnt about my vagina and how it worked - I could protect it in the future ? (if it wasn't already broken)
I had no idea whether I had "broken" down there - I just knew that it no longer felt like a private place. It was his vagina - not mine. Throughout my primary years I worried about falling pregnant. I was simply too young to make the "period" connection. When I read "adult" books, I felt powerful and informed for once in my life. I first read Flowers In The Attic by Virginia Andrews by the end of grade five. Once again, I realised emotions that previously had gone unclassified but not unexpressed. I read as much as I could and I learnt about women's business and relationships. I learnt to seek solace in the written word and even in recovery I have continued to do so.
I was finally relieved when the penny dropped that I could not fall pregnant as I was not old enough to have a period. It makes me a touch angry but mostly sad, that as a child realising he could not make me having a baby in my tummy was a happy moment for me - when I realized that "our secret" could still be kept. It was all about The Secret.
It seems ironic that although I was being forced to give my Stepbrother a blowjob whilst Mum and Dad went ten-pin bowling, I was considered too young to be told the rest.
I'm still piecing together what my sexuality is .. all I know is that it's out there.
In many ways , I'm still spinning in space.
Seeing it's Easter soon and my Birthday I also amended my wish-list to include the books recommended to me .
Postmodern Courtesan and I have very briefly discussed the merits of starting a blogger book club.
Stay tuned for more news on this (which means make sure I don't forget about this) For the moment though, I'm really trying to read as many great works as I can whilst I'm going through therapy. I've joined the library as well and I always loan too many books - my eyes are too big for my belly.
Travel plans are also starting to take shape - it's expensive. To be honest, I'm really scared that I won't have enough money to volunteer some of the programs are $5000 Australian dollars. It seems a lot to pay for the opportunity of giving back to the world (I know half of the proceeds are a donation but it's a lot of money for me right now!)
If anyone knows of some really affordable volunteer programs for South Africa (or if you actually live in South Africa and want to meet me as I'm super friendly then please email me)
I also traveling to America, which is really exciting !! I personally don't know how I organize a multi continent trip and how much time I will need to set aside for this.
I just know it's something I've wanted to do since I was a little girl and that's enough reason for me to want to do this. So I really need to become one of those post-it notes and travel brochure girls that I always tease. Good Lord.