A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Wearing Thin

For the past fortnight the hospital visits have increased, even though I've been doing all the right things. I've hardly seen any real human beings besides my partner and I feel opressed by my fatigue. I've had to increase my drugs to four injections now and it's been a case of take one day at a time. My bedroom needs cleaning and the chores are giving me a moral migraine. Most of all, I miss my working life and I miss having the energy to go shopping with the girls and just be impulsive. I'm considering moving closer to town so I'm not so isolated. It's a big choice to make as I would probably have to move away from BF. We have a nice home and it's peaceful - but sometimes too peaceful. The age difference between us is eleven years and I guess today I feel it more than others. I don't know if it's my pms (probably) or my medications that making me feel so desperate and anxious to uproot my whole life. I know that me and BF are at different stages.
BF has a daughter and in four years she will be in highschool. BF has been married and does not recall the memory with fondness. I've accepted this and focused on my own recovery first.
I figured that I needed to focus on a healthy mind and spirit before deciding who I would like to realistically enjoy the rest of my days with. I also place child-rearing as something I would like to approach as soon as I think I'm ready to.

These are dreams that I unashamedly want for myself and I'm prepared to do the required soul searching to make my dreams complete. I don't expect Mr Right to come along but I'm tired of the Mr Wrong Detour that I always seem to take.

BF is a beautiful person but we both know that he is not ready to do that again. He says "maybe" and "let's just do this and this first" and it makes the whole notion seem like "work".
I know having a child is work and I know I have a while to go, but I don't like subjects being off limits. I don't like my spirituality being ignored and negative thoughts in it's place.

I'm not obsessed with "The Future", but I also don't think it's fair for one person in the relationship to be putting 80% energy and consideration if the other person cannot do the same. Whether it be from emotional baggage or pure selfishness, it's just as much my responsibilty to accept what will never change as it is for BF to consider what may be worth changing.

I've always felt guilty about asking a boyfriend the ole " Do you think you could see us marrying" - I simply don't. I don't envisage wedding dresses and speeches - until you meet someone so good that you think , if it aint him it won't be anyone else.
I know BF is different to me and I can't expect him to be calm and positive all the time.
It's not realistic (I agree) but I still think that being in love is learning how to love healthy.
Surely people can change? Am I so bad for asking ? Would he rather I never asked and just left always wondering why I did?
I'd rather know and I would rather now, asap.

Love. It seems like a natural progression. However whenever I broach the issue, it always ends up with me trying to fill in the blanks.
I'm tired of explaining that he didn't mean "no" he only meant "not just yet".
Is this what a biological clock feels like ? To me - it's a matter of pride and general courtesy.
Is this why I'm freaking out - because I'm getting old and I feel miles away from the finish line?

It may not be fair to ask your mate to trade in his freedom and independent goals for a combined goal of happiness. But is it fair that I can't enjoy the prospect of being a wife and mother even if "we aren't ready". I can't see how my dreams are not taken more seriously.
It's enough to ruin us.

Being happy never seems enough.



Anonymous said...

Missed you. Quote 'To me - it's a matter of pride' End Quote. Isn't this one of the deadly sins?

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