A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Modem Heart

The other day I wrote about a wierd night with BF talking about Children. Deep down I know I'm not ready either. He has since explained that he thought I was gaining momentum to have a baby soonish and that he thinks we still have a journey ahead of us that is exciting and rewarding. I tend to agree, even if my journey needs a desperate kick in the pants.

I've spoken about feeling frustrated about the lack of energy and the feelings of isolation.
I've never really spoken about the Black Hole in my life. A nagging voice that pesters me every moment of the day, makes me rush through tasks, abandon chores, increases fatigue and also takes me into a fantasy world. It sounds like Heroin but it's not - it's my internet addiction.

When I remember back to being a Junkie - I recall that I was always busy meeting people, scoring, working and trying to balance a relationship at the same time. I realised that pre-internet I had no choice but to go and meet new people, write letters and actually call people on the telephone.

Putting down the needle took about six months. After several attempts to go cold turkey failed, I resorted to Methodone treatment. Located right next to the dispensary was an internet cafe.
I remember sitting at a computer feeling slightly overwhelmed but also very intrigued about the "Internet". The internet cafe was like a casino, dark neon blue hues and rows upon rows of the latest machines all humming happily. No windows and no clocks meant my first visit was a six hour stint. That was four years ago and I have only just faced up to the fact that I resent the presence my computer has in my life. Left to my own devices , I can easily spend 20 hour stints in front of my 17" - I find it cathartic , creative and dynamic to travel anywhere in the world and meet all these wonderful people. But the people I love are quite simply ignored until I find a spare moment to disconnect my cortex from the superhighway.

I can't type and hold a conversation and I don't answer the telephone. People talk to me on msn , even my family. I don't leave the house ever and as soon as I wake up I turn it on and just as I lock up , I turn it off. I know I'm addicted because it is interfering with my life. When you have to think about how much you have given up for a computer - jobs I have lost or left due to internet abuse or lack of access, everytime my partner comes home from work and I can't even look at him and ask how his day has been, being late or simply not going to appointments, work, or social engagements - doing what ever I can to stay dissconnected to reality and connected to fantasy world.

Basically I have traded Junk for my Modem. It sounds ridiculous and I've been in denial for about four years - but the anxiety is increasing as years slip by and I realise I'm not heading in the direction I want to be. Instead I'm static, trading all of my friends and family and dreams for this online abyss. I don't want to be alone with a handful of wires. I don't want to be pale and tired anymore. I've set the oven timer so I can get off the net and it rang about 15 minutes ago.
I'm not going to let this beat me. I didn't come this far in my life to tapdance it out on a keyboard. I'm going to blog about sometimes, as this way I can keep record of my progress.
Please wish me strength as I really am addicted , in ways that I can't type about yet.
I look forward to my new life of balanced and healthy internet use, were I can take it or leave it.

I will do it !
HG

7 comments:

RuKsaK said...

That's one open, interesting, brave, well-written post there. Totally feel you and please let the only H in your life be HTML.

Great parasitic reading - will come back.

Anonymous said...

Baby Steps... Headin' for those stars, remenber?

Square1 said...

You Brave soul! I've been addicted to a fantasy world my whole life... It started as a coping mechanism and became a crutch. The internet made it that much easier to indulge. If you find a way to beat it... please share!

dusi said...

Take care hun one step at a time and you'll get there. My girlfriend had the same problem and was pulling herself out of it when I met her two years ago. She's been clean for over two years now and just to look at photographs of before and after are enough to show that it's all worthwhile. Her two young boys are also very grateful.
Many cuddles, for that's what you really need.

dusi said...

Take care hun one step at a time and you'll get there. My girlfriend had the same problem and was pulling herself out of it when I met her two years ago. She's been clean for over two years now and just to look at photographs of before and after are enough to show that it's all worthwhile. Her two young boys are also very grateful.
Many cuddles, for that's what you really need.

Garrison Steelle said...

We cling to that which allows us to feel safe, even when it isn't.

One addiction too easily is replaced by another.

-G

karen said...

You know I was kind of wondering about that.. I mean I dont know you, knor do I know how much time you spend on the net. But its almost like I kind feel your feverish excitement over the recent devlopments/slash turn of events on your site.
I wish you luck,