The other day I wrote about a wierd night with BF talking about Children. Deep down I know I'm not ready either. He has since explained that he thought I was gaining momentum to have a baby soonish and that he thinks we still have a journey ahead of us that is exciting and rewarding. I tend to agree, even if my journey needs a desperate kick in the pants.
I've spoken about feeling frustrated about the lack of energy and the feelings of isolation.
I've never really spoken about the Black Hole in my life. A nagging voice that pesters me every moment of the day, makes me rush through tasks, abandon chores, increases fatigue and also takes me into a fantasy world. It sounds like Heroin but it's not - it's my internet addiction.
When I remember back to being a Junkie - I recall that I was always busy meeting people, scoring, working and trying to balance a relationship at the same time. I realised that pre-internet I had no choice but to go and meet new people, write letters and actually call people on the telephone.
Putting down the needle took about six months. After several attempts to go cold turkey failed, I resorted to Methodone treatment. Located right next to the dispensary was an internet cafe.
I remember sitting at a computer feeling slightly overwhelmed but also very intrigued about the "Internet". The internet cafe was like a casino, dark neon blue hues and rows upon rows of the latest machines all humming happily. No windows and no clocks meant my first visit was a six hour stint. That was four years ago and I have only just faced up to the fact that I resent the presence my computer has in my life. Left to my own devices , I can easily spend 20 hour stints in front of my 17" - I find it cathartic , creative and dynamic to travel anywhere in the world and meet all these wonderful people. But the people I love are quite simply ignored until I find a spare moment to disconnect my cortex from the superhighway.
I can't type and hold a conversation and I don't answer the telephone. People talk to me on msn , even my family. I don't leave the house ever and as soon as I wake up I turn it on and just as I lock up , I turn it off. I know I'm addicted because it is interfering with my life. When you have to think about how much you have given up for a computer - jobs I have lost or left due to internet abuse or lack of access, everytime my partner comes home from work and I can't even look at him and ask how his day has been, being late or simply not going to appointments, work, or social engagements - doing what ever I can to stay dissconnected to reality and connected to fantasy world.
Basically I have traded Junk for my Modem. It sounds ridiculous and I've been in denial for about four years - but the anxiety is increasing as years slip by and I realise I'm not heading in the direction I want to be. Instead I'm static, trading all of my friends and family and dreams for this online abyss. I don't want to be alone with a handful of wires. I don't want to be pale and tired anymore. I've set the oven timer so I can get off the net and it rang about 15 minutes ago.
I'm not going to let this beat me. I didn't come this far in my life to tapdance it out on a keyboard. I'm going to blog about sometimes, as this way I can keep record of my progress.
Please wish me strength as I really am addicted , in ways that I can't type about yet.
I look forward to my new life of balanced and healthy internet use, were I can take it or leave it.
I will do it !