The fantastic year of 2005 is well underway (yes I'm finally awake now for 2005
I don't ever think of myself as a girl who is trying to make good of her bad life. I will always be proud that as a young girl I knew it would be up to me, to make my dreams come true.
It's this confidence that helps me believe my dreams are going to be met. I just love that we are creatures that are actually able to transform our lives by sheer mindpower and determination.
Just by working hard at whatever you want to achieve, you don't have to think your entitled to a miracle to "save" you - be the miracle to yourself. Everyday I suprise myself and when I do , I look for the next opportunity to do again. Then again and then again.
I definately don't have all the answers, sometimes I want it all to fix itself in a moment and for all my mistakes to be overshadowed by a brilliant blaze of success. That still wasn't making me happy - it just aggravated feelings that I wasn't good enough NOW to start living my life HOWEVER I wanted. I've learnt that I will have it all - just not all at the same time!
This reality has been the turning point in my life. My saving grace became not just staying alive but to start right now living out my wildest dreams.
It's been two years clean and I've never felt more proud to alive in this wonderful world.
With only six months left to go of treatment, I feel my perspective on life has improved majorly even my lows show me in contrast what is truly important , every single place I look.
The highs and the lows of being alive only exhilarate and challenge my passion to be the very best adventurer across the magical plains of life. As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around.
The chemo therapy (minus radiation) has been hard but it had to be. I needed a wake-up call that I needed to respect my body and I needed to "own" that I injected crap into my arms for five years and hoped it would all be ok. I neglected my teeth, my hair, my family, my education and my dreams. I now revel in my self-esteem and teach others how this is possible. Just by loving people for who they are and letting people see for themselves what needs to be changed.
I don't worry myself with what everyone else is doing - I just let them be. When I miss the bus, for the third time - I know I'm not a orphaned child in Africa infected with Aids.
I finally get that it's not all about me in relationships, that I can have morals and standards and look after myself. I don't need a man to do this - I don't need to replace my father.
I deserve love and respect from my family and if I don't get it - I don't need to "own" that.
If I had a bad childhood - I so don't have to own that.
I own me ! A much better experience and potential to bring so much love to the world.
Heroine is the working title of my book and I will be doing the final draft now, aiming for completion this year and to have a publisher on board by December. This website is getting the web design make-over( I haven't forgotten it has just been last on the list of priorities)
I'm also have my travel plans for South Africa and America at the end of the year.
That's my reward for finishing my counseling license. I'm also getting a Japanese Boarder to help cut down living expenses, cutting off the cable and installing wireless for BF and I. Together we are aiming for a deposit on an investment property by end of year, latest.
With the time freed up from my internet addiction, I will be volunteering at a youth welfare, which also helps my school grades. I'm also planning to return to the workforce for a few days a week. Already I have been spending more time on the telephone to my family, having weekends away with my friends, enjoying the outdoors and attending the theatre (twice this week).
By the end of the year I will be a brown belt with black tip and my health should be a peak level after the treatment has been successful. So far, it's looking extremely positive that I will be Hep C Negative. I may not be able to drink ever again, but at least I'm alive and able to enjoy my life for many more years, with all my organs intact. I'm blessed because now I know that being grateful for my body was the first step in truly respecting and loving myself.
It just gets better ! Every single day, it just gets better to be me !!!!
I will also remain focused on saving money for my future and not living beyond my means, this will mean that a few luxuries will have to go (ie: the cable tv) but essentially at 26 time will be on my side if I invest sooner rather than later. I will continue to seek counsel from people that I admire and will also be honest with myself when something is "just not working".
I have communicated to BF that this includes romantic relationships !
I've decided to wait until marriage has a personal and individual message to me, and at this moment of my rebirth with every thing else going on - it would seem a distraction. Ditto for having children in the next few years.
I've taken a really long look at the state of my world both inside my home and outside. I spent at least three days researching my own soul and the balance I have with life. Beyond my own needs to have a child for my own happiness, I realized the world is full of children already needing compassion and care and a second chance. Therefore, I want to do this. I want to be the best mother I can be. For the time being I'm content to focus on how I can help these children and make a difference to these innocent children that are disadvantaged.
That will be my career and that will be my way to make a difference.
The biggest adventure of my life has not been surviving the hardship
It will be the thrill of living the life of my dreams ..
It will be the thrill of living the life of my dreams ..