A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Jane

Hello Everyone

As you may or may not know, this blog is heading in an exciting new direction for 2005. The Heroinegirl Blog is becoming more about my present life and social issues - kind of like Oprah for bloggers. (to use a mass marketing concept)
Don't worry though, Heroinegirl will definitely still be a force amongst bloggers - I'm even interviewing most of the big names in bloggerland - asking the hard questions.
I encourage my readership to participate in the community spirit of this blog and submit any issues you would like to be discussed "heroinegirl" style (frank, dead honest and tastefully done) I'm interested in what you think about things that I bring to Heroinegirl to discuss.

This week Jane* came to me to try and get a reality check on her situation. I offered to post her story on this blog as see what my trusty reader thought about not specifically Jane's situation but comments in general. Please keep in mind that you are not expected to advise Jane directly - basically Jane has offered her story so we can discuss issues and have a forum on ideas. She is interested in people that may also be addicted to text messaging and how they overcome this. You will see the topics highlighted in yellow. Please use Haloscan :)

Feel free to comment on your thoughts on (name has been changed) Jane's* situation or your own personal experience.


It always seems to happen around Valentine's Day or any major "occasion" - People start fighting and breaking up. Especially birthdays - What's with that?
Jane called me up on the phone and told me she had hit rock bottom. She was planning her own death, right down to the cords she would use to hang herself. Of course, I immediately instructed her to seek professional counsel which she has since done, she has now admitted it was just for attention. This happens alot ebven though she has been in therapy for ten years.

However, it raised some interesting questions for myself to answer and I thought you may have some ideas yourself on how Jane could maybe start living a whole lot better.


Jane has always suffered from extremely low self-esteem. When we talk it's mostly about how her life is alternatively going well or going very bad. She doesn't really seem interested in listening to any communication that doesn't involve her. However, I honestly believe her intentions to be happy should be achieved. I was always told by my Father that if you really want something, it will happen. Then, I met Jane.

All Jane wants is to be in love. If she had that, she would be happy (apparently). It just also happens to be a fact that Jane has THE worst luck when it comes to perusing and "holding down" a man, that I have ever seen. After a string of failed relationships culminating in a failed marriage, Jane moved on in her life and started to raise two beautiful girls.

Whenever Jane starts a new relationship, everyone close to her instantly becomes anxious. If you ask anyone that knows Jane , they will tell you that Jane finds a new man before the tire tracks have cooled down the street. In fact, I used to visit her when she threatened she was going to kill herself but now I too have become immune to her panic attacks and dramatic episodes - once you have seen many flaming train wrecks they all seem to blend into one big mess.

Jane herself feels that every relationship quickly becomes a ticking time bomb. Her apetite for attention is insatiable - once she gets some loving she just wants more, and more. Jane's open desperation has made her the butt of jokes around her office and fodder for bitchy girls she once thought were friends. She doesn't have many friends as she often places men before her friendships and basically she is a very negative person to be around when she is not dating someone.

In every single relationship Jane has she has to claim her stake on her partner. Within days, Jane will start to label the man as hers and constantly use pet names. I've always wondered when it's ok to call a Man "honey or sweetie" Should you just not bother? When has dating become so full of "Rules"!!
It seems some people just don't see or know when they are being "clingy" or "pushy". I don't see why men can't be more upfront with women. Why can't a guy just be honest and tell Jane that they need space rather than just not return her calls? What does a guy mean when he says "I love you but I'm not in love with you?" (Answer in the comments fellas!)

Personally, I don't know how I feel about the whole "it's too early to say this and that" as I always stay true to myself as express myself as I feel it. Mind you, I have a finely tuned emotional antennae from a childhood spent anticipating emotional gestures from my parents.

But really, is it such a crime to be seen as overly keen and loving ?
Could there be a match for Jane and why does she have to change?
Should people like Jane aim for someone equally dysfunctional in relationships?
Realistically, is that her destiny?
I mean in life you either get it or you don't.
Jane just doesn't get it.
Surely there is others that don't get it either?

I explain to Jane that maybe it's coming on too strong to mention marriage and children (she already has two children) within the first month, she just looks at me bewildered. How could I possibly ask her to change who she is ?
Is it fair for her to tone down the fact that she is head over heels in love - with being in love?

All she craves is to find that elusive Mr Right. It's all about the picket fence and the little white dog. That's what the meaning of life is for Jane - she is not interested in any other ending.
It's not hard these days to find a steady stream of suitors - not since she has joined a variety of dating sites on the internet. Besides, finding Mr Right is her life essence - but maybe some people always destined to be alone? Are some people just so self absorbed with this false reality that they become so obsessed with their own happiness that they can never truly enter into a legitimate partnership as they are intensely selfish ? Maybe it's not low self-esteem but rather an inflated sense of worth?

This will be the fourth break-up that I've witnessed this year alone ! Jane is nearly 31 but is very attractive and young at heart. I asked her to give me a basic idea of how many times she had tried to find Mr Right and how many times this had failed. Jane estimated last year that she had over 20 relationships with different men. Does this make her a slut, I think not.
I think it makes her unhappy though and therefore she should cease this behaviour.
But she says that sex makes her feel good at least for a short period of time.
Do you have to be healthy in the head, to have sex?


She adds that nearly all of them have ceased contact with her, some going as far to say that she has "severe mental issues" and she is never to contact them again. I asked her how she felt about this and she replied "I'm used it - God never intended for me to be happy"
"This is my lot now, after my marriage split up, I knew that my one chance to have a happy family was gone. I will just dedicate my life to my girls now. That's my purpose."
Do you think this is in part true or part of the problem?

Jane alternates between the forementioned depression and then almost frenzied dating and sexual intercourse. Not content to rely on the internet to search for men willing to have sex with her (which she hopes will preclude a relationship starting) Jane has now turned to dating work-mates, bosses and clients at her new job.

I've noticed Jane go from bad to worse and become more desperate. With each break up she sinks a little lower, which only makes her more clingy with the next lucky guy. Jane admits her addiction to "text abuse" with her mobile phone.
She asks Heroinegirl readers- Can people be addicted to sms'ing? On average she will send about 15 text messages a day to her partner and also ring on the phone for lengthy conversations. That's on a day that everything is going right. Some days she has sent 40 text messages in a eight hour period. She maintains that she only texts him because he fails to reply - if he replied to her questions she would not have to send a further ten messages to find out "what's wrong"

Jane expresses that she is out of ideas on how to get men to respect her. She tries to pace herself as she has confessed that she is too "full-on". Instead she constantly offers her partner massages, dinner made, sex and company, texting him every night asking for him to change plans and spend more time with her. Throughout the entire relationship Peter would only see Jane one night a week. Jane told me that she is not allowed to ask for more time or Peter explains to her she should be with someone closer ( her current beau lives an hours drive away)

Just this Valentine's Day Jane presented Peter with a key to her house, telling him that he was welcome anytime. It was a gesture of trust , but at only two months of dating, was it too soon? Sure enough, the whole point of trust was lost when they had yet another arguement and Jane insisted that she was in possession of the key. It was nearly midnight but she was determined to take back her key (which to her symbolised her heart) therefore she broke in to his apartment to retrieve the key. She also alerted the nieghbours and then proceeded to tell them all about Peter's private life. Peter then called it off with Jane, indefinately.

I'm not saying that Peter is innocent. I think sometimes he encourages her. I've noticed he is hot/cold with his affections for Jane. He cancels plans at the last minute and makes her explain her behaviour (ie: who she speaks to on the internet) If he decides to actually stay with her for a night (he leaves in the morning and never stays for breakfast) he talks about marriage and how he will love her forever. Making confusing gestures, like buying a cheap novelty ring and slipping it on her wedding finger and proposing to her.

What's this guy all about ???
Peter actually propositioned me and asked me to go on a secret date with him, I hope that he was as drunk as I imagined. It was an awkward confession that I have kept to myself. He definately came across as a player after that, I just have a feeling he is lying to herand definately cheating on her .. I wouldn't mind telling her so she could move on...
He spoke about how I'm more suited to him and made some fairly lewd sexual comments.
I haven't told Jane as I don't know if he was serious.
Should I tell Jane so she feels less inclined or do I stay out of it completely and let the devastation take it's course ? What should a true friend do?

Please use haloscan for comments thank you
XXXHG

16 comments:

Nadia said...

Jane sounds A LOT like my best friend. I tell her over and over that she needs to chill out and take time to learn to love herself before someone else can love her. If my friend and Jane continue with the behavior they use now, they are doomed to either one trainwreck relationship after another, or to being with some guy who is even more fucked up than they are.

I'll bet Jane is ultimately a worthwhile woman like my friend is. She truly needs to take a self-imposed break from dating so she has to focus on herself for a change, and not the men in her life. Focusing on dating only leaves them less time to look at themselves. It may be hard to look at your self, but so necessary. When you can make yourself happy, all by yourself, then you're ready to meet someone else.

As for what he told you, I'd stay out of it! :-) No need to risk your friendship with Jane. Let her figure out things are bad on her own. You did what you needed to by making it clear to him that you're not interested.

My bill is in the mail. ;-)

HeroineGirl said...

thanks nadia..

Is finding true love a random thing or not ? Is there a small pool of golden tadpoles, and a small puddle of slugs?

Kim said...

It is difficult to have someone love and respect you when you don't feel that way about yourself.

She needs to be away from dating and relationships and probably sex too, self love excepted. Spend time with her kids, who a suspect are being forgotten in her frenzy. Find a good therapist to help her sort things out.

Kim

HeroineGirl said...

Jane has seen a therapist since she was 17 and is medicated.

I'm opening up forum on whether some people are not equipped mentally to love, emotionally handicapped?

Bex said...

I definately think that Jane is emotionally handicapped. Maybe it's time for her to change therapists as the one she is seeing doesn't seem to be helping. I used to be one of those needy/clingy girls myself until I took a self imposed hiatus from the opposite sex. Being single and celebate for 3 years was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I learned that I was ok with me and I could be on my own and be happy. Now that I'm back in a relationship I have found that all those old insecurities and jealousies are gone.

HeroineGirl said...

That's great news Bex, three years you say? And how did you then go about rentering the dating game?

renee said...

I echo the break from dating. I made some nasty ass choices in the past because I was desperate for a boyfriend. I let men walk all over me and treat me in absolutely wretched ways because I thought that's what I deserved.

I'm a year into taking my life back with the only boys in my life being my two kitties. I spent the first year healing, and this year I am claiming back myself (I'm one of those people that abandon everything and everyone when i'm in a relationship). I miss some parts of being in a relationship - right now though...I like being me more.

Jane needs to walk away...find out who SHE is and be the person SHE wants to be....and ultimately love herself.

renee said...

I echo the break from dating. I made some nasty ass choices in the past because I was desperate for a boyfriend. I let men walk all over me and treat me in absolutely wretched ways because I thought that's what I deserved.

I'm a year into taking my life back with the only boys in my life being my two kitties. I spent the first year healing, and this year I am claiming back myself (I'm one of those people that abandon everything and everyone when i'm in a relationship). I miss some parts of being in a relationship - right now though...I like being me more.

Jane needs to walk away...find out who SHE is and be the person SHE wants to be....and ultimately love herself.

Bex said...

I signed up for 3 different matchmaking websites, but I ended up meeting my boyfriend on www.myspace.com. It's actually quite interesting the number of decent guys I met, and the progress I made letting go of the toxic ones from my past. Feel free to refer Jane to my blog if you want.

Doom/Blondie said...

Hmmmm. This is an interesting one. I like the idea of it being a type of emotional handicap.

Of course, unlike many physical handicaps there is no outward sign and that I find is always the most dangerous thing. You can never tell this type of stuff until you are close enough to get burned.

But of course, as the expression goes, "When you are mad, you are always the last one to know about it." and who is to say that your friend is not perfectly normal and we are all not nuts?

But honestly - this type of behaviour I would personally find extrememly off putting - and I am all in favour of marriage and settling down, but yet I have a RADAR that goes off at the slightest hint of a desperate woman. I cannot explain it and I am sorry if it comes across as callous. But I find it immeasurably off putting.

I Wish there were fast an hard answers that I could offer BUT I would recomment what the above ladies are suggesting... a self imposed EXILE from men and dating.

You must LOVE and be happy with yourself first. Then, and only then will you have anything to offer.

But then again, what the fuck do I know? I am a loser without a girlfriend.

Doom.

xx

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Showing Love : Although hearing the words, I love you is special and important.

Realistic Expectations : No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect.

Go on a Date : Especially for married couples, but even for some dating couples, start dating.

Control Your Anger : Every relationship has difficulties, and sometimes, there can be some intense arguments.

I Forgive You : If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through.

Day at the Movies : Have a movie marathon some rainy or cold Saturday.

Dinner by the Fire : Order in some of your favorite food, open a bottle of fine wine, light some candles.

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