A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Chinese, Japanese, Indian Chief!

My friend jodie gave me her first memoir

As for the Heroinegirl Memoirs they start next week, just needed a change in focus.
It's very hard to constantly write about oneself ! However, it must be done lovelies as I'm fabulous etc etc. I've already noticed that I'm feeling clear headed and more efficient since monitoring my internet usage. At the moment it feels rather heavy handed - I have post it notes on my monitor that says "Are you happy that everything is done?" and other things "Resist The Vortex" ( that last one was a joke, but many a true thing was said in jest)
I just love that smarmy mouth saying - it's pretty final really.

The custody has gone well - the girls are back with us on the weekends which is awesome.
I must admit that this time I'm trying not to get so attached as much as I did last time. When the mother pulled them away because of my Hepatitis it felt like my heart had exploded.
The pain....was more than painful ...it was all I could feel instead of dying.

I don't "do" reserved emotions very good. I'm a loving person, warm and trusting till the day I die. I'd rather deal with the fall-out than never feel the glow of the fireworks on my face.

It's hard to be emotionally guarded with any child- having experienced this myself I know it doesn't protect anyone in the big picture - love for today and the rest seems to flow.

Being a stepmother is a hard and sometimes thankless task, you develop motherly affections and so does the child but ultimately it can be taken away from you without warning or reason. But for now, they are back and I realize how much I missed them.

It's so lovely to have the house filled with chirpy chatter again, to feel their little hands in mine when we cross the supermarket car-park. Playing in the garden, catching dandelions and teaching the girls how to swing. These are gifts that I have taught them and I look forward to many more life lessons. I love our family dinners which dissolve into fits of hysterical giggles behind strategically cupped hands , much to daddies mock anger. It's all wonderful and light because tonight is a special night. Saturday night is our night to share the magic of family, so Daddy laughs along too and life just flows along with it. In fact, Saturday night is his favorite night of the week - how could it not be ?

When Lil girl nestles herself in my lap for a quick doze, I stroke her angel hair and I realise ; it's not about whether this moment can last forever - it's that in the moment the stars shine like diamonds in her eyes and I experience her beauty and trust with all she has to give.
It makes me so young again, the garden swing brushing the top of the cotton candy clouds and the night is brilliant for love ..

I wouldn't change a thing.
No regrets.

I will always love like I have nothing to lose.
Every single day of your life.
I will always know that I have everything to gain



BritGuy said...


Lovely post.

Your girls are very lucky to have a step-mum that cares about them. Don't be afraid to love them for today - just let tomorrow take care of itself.


"I still believe in paradise
But now at least i know it's not some place you can look for
Cause it's not where you go
It's how you feel for a moment in your life
And if you find that moment it lasts forever"

D.T. said...

True. They really are lucky to have someone like you in their lives.

Its funny, huh? How a small person can make such a big difference in someone's life...

Garrison Steelle said...

Beauty touches the heart and holds it like a delicate flower, cherishing the fragrance and design of every petal.



Mamacita said...

You. . . . are a lovely, lovely person.

Dr Terminal said...

Don't stop writing, ever, because when you do, you will die.

Take care of yourself.

Square1 said...

As a mom myself... this post is absolutely breathtaking. You are an amazing person... never ever doubt that. You are beautiful, never doubt that either.

ally said...

Wow! Big Hug... and thanks.

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