A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Update 2

Well yesterday I was super independent. Rather than rely on BF to drive me to appointments, I was ready to tackle the doctors and specialists on my own. I caught the bus and got out in the sunshine and it felt very good to be out of the house and around other people. There was a very rude bus driver outside the hospital whom when I asked if he was going to my destination, he shut the door on my face as he said "What do I look like - a timetable?" Goodness, it seems public transport is just getting very slack in the customer service department. I would prefer actual robots drive the buses officially, at least they can be programmed to be more helpful and on time, regardless of caffeine intake.
Furthermore, I was given the wrong directions by three drivers (behind the shops love) for the busway, actually 1200 meters away. Slightly wary, I headed off to 'behind the shops' and of course - no busway. Instead, a housing estate. NO signs or paths. Just the fucking Burbs.

Being me (determined and obsessive) I knew it had to be here somewhere so I just started walking and walking and..walking. I was too lazy to go back after 40 meters and then the more I walked the more I had to go forward.

After fifteen minutes of walking in back random streets, it become my Tour Of duty. I found myself crouching on the kerb, straining my ears for the whooshing sound of the bus express way. In my city we have underground tunnels for commuters (this is only two years old) and the buses fly so fast through the stations, it's actually kind of a rush. No, they don't even stop unless you flag them down, so you have five seconds for you to read the title and think - fuck is this me, wave your arms like your flagging an ambulance, and normally its back in the tunnel. It's a little bit daunting if you don't do it all the time and also when there is a bus doing flyby's every 5 seconds. After walking in a huge square, I finally found the station and of course saw two of my buses whooshing beneath the bridge. What added stung to it, was I probably should've waited outside the hospital for the 20 minutes instead of trying to do it "express". I kept thinking about the other people at that same bus stop who were now happily hurtling towards my destination.
So I did arrive late to my disability officer appointment, burnt from the sun and slightly fatigued. I see a disability officer because I have to in order to receive sickness payments from the Government. I brought with me a signed exemption from work from the previous medical appointment but the lady asked/insisted " Did I want to do a two year training course on finding a Job?"
No way ! I mean how hard is it to open a paper, ring a few dudes and put on a nice dress and smile. I don't need two years for that, besides I always find my own work (when I'm ready, hehehe)
In short, I stated very clearly that I have my original job to return to ( I don't know how many forms we got signed to prove this) and my main focus is getting my body well again. It took a lot of documentation and signing of documents to satisfy that I actually was at risk of liver disease and my treatment was impeding upon my work performance. So now I have a twelve month exemption from work - which is comforting and boring all the same. I am going to have to set some serious goals for this time, I'm thinking studying and volunteer work. I was planning on going to UK and now everyone is going on trips overseas but I can't until middle next year. Very fucking annoying.

I received my Liver Function tests back and guess who is HepC negative (normal liver function)
Yes moi ! So that was a welcome boost and I resumed my injection last night and I feel a bit fluey today but nothing serious. My teeth are totally healed and no pain whatsoever ! Best money I ever spent.
I am even going back to get a full clean, and more examinations on a few suspects in the back row.
My sister is still living out of home and The Stepmother has not been in touch since Xmas.
It's really awkward at the moment, I get paranoid that she has found my blog ( I can deal with that) but it's still awkward if she does.
I signed onto my msn this morning and all my contacts have been deleted.
Some cum-rag from the internet cafe (remember at Xmas) signed on as me and deleted and blocked my entire list and changed my name to "DON"T FUCKING LEAVE DETAILS IN E CAFE"
I mean some people do not have a life. Fucking gamer nerds. I'm hoping he won't be back as it links to everything I have - not gmail, but it wouldn't be hard to trace. Basically it must be signing in automatically, so I have to actually go in and uncheck the box.

It always happens to me, last time I went to same cafe , he sent everyone in it an email saying I was coming out as a lesbian and even sent individual emails to the girl ones.
That took ages to explain. I was sure that I signed out this time, but maybe not.
So I have one person on my msn - BF. So if you don't see me on, you can add me.

Ok off to the Coast for a play-date with BF and a swim in the ocean.
I am so white that I am hoping for some color - not lobster red as usual

Have a great weekend :)
Memoir to come later

No comments: