A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Restless

Dear Readers Of Heroinegirl

I just know that I can't sleep, it must be something in the air - I am just so restless.
Something is on my mind and it's midnight but to hell with it - I will blog it.
Do you have time to talk right now ? I feel sad and I feel totally lost. I should probably tell you what I am going through at the moment - I have dropped hints and skirted around the subject.
This is my way of building up my self-esteem to tell you (and the world what I want to say)
I think - I am not definate but I have reasons to and not. But - here it goes.

I spent a decent amount of my young adulthood addicted to Heroin. I don't think it's cool from personal experience. It made me very sick and it corroded everything and I mean everything I had.
I have had to start all over again. It's hard when you just don't know how.

I have been clean for two years. However, I am still suffering consequences. Most of my readers read along and think wow she is so lucky to be alive and I myself appreciate that as well. Everything I write here is sadly true. Last year I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. There I said it. There is so much to tell you and I am crying so much now as I am so ashamed of my disease. I needed time to try and accept it myself before making this blog all about my treatment. Some days I am very sick but I still blog anyway as I need to keep in good habits. That's why I left work as the fatigue was too much. The good news is that the treatment is working. At the moment I am keeping the virus at bay. I know you all have questions but I would prefer if you let me speak with candor. I want to be able to have the self-esteem to discuss my condition in an open and calm manner. Today is a big step for me as I don't know every single soul that reads this blog.

I want you to know that my heroin habit had consequences and I still live with them.
I have the liver of a fifty-year old alcoholic. I don't know how I got it but my case is advanced for my age. I'm attending a major session on Friday with the director of gastroenterlogy ( spelling!) as my health has been so sensitive to the drugs I take. My drug's name is Interferon and you can google it if you wish to know more. I have one year to go and this almost breaks my heart.

Being sick has affected me in ways mentally that sometimes threaten all that I have worked for. I felt that I ruined my families portrait at Christmas because I look so pale and sick. I wanted to show my day ..as you know it was important but I could not bare to look at myself.
Man..I am sobbing right now. As they say it's just the medication.
My T cells have dropped very low and I actually have an abcess at the moment , which has bloated the side of my face. BF and I laugh and he calls me his Chubby Checker. I need to laugh to get over the constant waiting in public clinics ( we waited four hours to see a dentist today and the waiting list for a full check up is four years.)
I'm on sickness benefits but is barely enough , I have even thought about going back to stripping but I made a promise to BF and of course myself so I live in this constant tug a war of old habits VS New ethics. Now I tell you so that why I am even more honest. Even though I know I will be called into BF's office for a please explain. You know me - I'm pretty open about myself when I want to be. I'm learning to make that - I'm honest with myself all of the time.

So far I haven't taken my clothes off for money and for me personally this is the best road. I am not meant to resort to that way of obtaining money as it does not stimulate me or contribute to my direction that I want to go in. I call it Personal discipline and I am awfully clumsy with it. It's definately a case of trial and error.

But I tell you what helps you stay on track - honesty.
Keep it real - Heroin is not chic - It will get you in the end, whether it be losing a loved one, crime and punishment, overdose, disease or continued attachment to the drug. Some people chip for years, but it does get you down.
It's expensive and all you ever want is more more more.
As Robert says "It's Never Enough".

80% of intraveneous drug users will contract Hepatitis C used over a four year period.
Try and steer clear of becoming a statistic.
Go have a hotdog with the lot instead.
I've had both and one is a whole heap less risky.


That's why I told you.
Because I wanted to let you know.
This is serious.
This is my truth. All of it.

Goodnight.
HG

p.s I wish my face would stop swelling - I'm over the comical appearance of my cheeks and I want my pout back. I look seriously hillarious.

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