I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me ?
I hardly ever sweat so when I do, I know that it's extremely humid and disgusting. As I type, I can feel sweat forming on the back of my knees, there is no breeze in the air to cool myself down with ( it must be at least 38 degrees celsisus) Australia is HOT ! Beautiful and spacious and green - but HOT!
This weekend past, I resumed my treatment so I've been at the mercy of some rather inconsistent side effects. In other words, I have become a raving loony again. My treatment interferes with Serotonin -( seeing that most people that read me are some kind of mental then we all know what this means ;) )
I think it will be at least another full week before my body 'hunkers down' and accepts the drugs all over again. Sometimes I feel my spirit is refusing to yield to the strong chemicals, my tests have shown an unnatural instability that no doctor can explain. The mind is a very powerful thing and I have always had a strong grasp on my inner self.
I am considering meditation to will my body to accept the Drugs - but is that fruitless? Is there a scientific explanation to why your body just says "Fuck you, I have had enough!" and then starts rebelling ? Can I unlock this rebellion by thought alone or drown it in even more drugs and affirmations?
What if in time , they show that Interferon causes bone cancer, fertility problems or mental dysfunction? If the sickest I am is now, whilst actually treating the Hep C - then is it really worth all these potentially devastating side effects? Will I wonder why I never listened to my body and let doctor's brush it aside just because it is not heard of?
How many times do I hear "It's just your serotonin" or "It's not you - it's your meds"
Makes me think that maybe my brain and I are not on the same team anymore.
Have I done the wrong thing and sold my spirituality for science?
OoooH it's raining !!! I'm playing Beck - Loser and going to dance in the rain - and make my neighbours really frightened of me (again) I hope Nip & Tuck win in the Golden Globes !!