A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Loser?

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me ?

I hardly ever sweat so when I do, I know that it's extremely humid and disgusting. As I type, I can feel sweat forming on the back of my knees, there is no breeze in the air to cool myself down with ( it must be at least 38 degrees celsisus) Australia is HOT ! Beautiful and spacious and green - but HOT!

This weekend past, I resumed my treatment so I've been at the mercy of some rather inconsistent side effects. In other words, I have become a raving loony again. My treatment interferes with Serotonin -( seeing that most people that read me are some kind of mental then we all know what this means ;) )

I think it will be at least another full week before my body 'hunkers down' and accepts the drugs all over again. Sometimes I feel my spirit is refusing to yield to the strong chemicals, my tests have shown an unnatural instability that no doctor can explain. The mind is a very powerful thing and I have always had a strong grasp on my inner self.

I am considering meditation to will my body to accept the Drugs - but is that fruitless? Is there a scientific explanation to why your body just says "Fuck you, I have had enough!" and then starts rebelling ? Can I unlock this rebellion by thought alone or drown it in even more drugs and affirmations?

What if in time , they show that Interferon causes bone cancer, fertility problems or mental dysfunction? If the sickest I am is now, whilst actually treating the Hep C - then is it really worth all these potentially devastating side effects? Will I wonder why I never listened to my body and let doctor's brush it aside just because it is not heard of?

How many times do I hear "It's just your serotonin" or "It's not you - it's your meds"
Makes me think that maybe my brain and I are not on the same team anymore.
Have I done the wrong thing and sold my spirituality for science?



OoooH it's raining !!! I'm playing Beck - Loser and going to dance in the rain - and make my neighbours really frightened of me (again) I hope Nip & Tuck win in the Golden Globes !!



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