A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Home Truths


Thanks for all the votes so far - It's been very humbling ! I only just read on one of my nominee's sites that you can vote every 24 hours ? This I thought was against the rules but apparently not ! I am emailing them to check but apparently you can vote daily.
Nice to finally know !

To be realistic I'm not normally someone that wins anything so I'm trying to just be very' zen' about the whole thing. The other candidates are all very worthy of the accolade so I am just going to relax about it. Worse case scenario I might put pay-pal on my site and we get some kind of design template fund ? I'm not working at the moment for health reasons but I do plan to go back to my job (in marketing) mid next year.
I have voted for all my reader's sites - Waking Vixen, Tony Pierce, Jason Mulgrave, Fat Eye for The Skinny Guy and Pussy Talk. I don't recognise any others !
You can now multivote

As you may or may not know, my computer went down for a period of about three days over Christmas. Therefore, I suddenly had plenty of time on my hands. I spent most of this glorious time watching television, reading books whilst also attending to a few moments to pamper my soul and spirit. Then there was the neglected beauty routines - I was so proud when in the same day I went shopping, posted letters, got my eyebrows waxed and had my hair style to suit my face better. I started to realise that I need to take time away from everyone else occasionally and 'tend" to myself. I find it hard to be motivated to tend to myself - just like my Father I let things get way worse before they get better.

Regardless, I realised this electrically induced sabbatical was the instigator I needed to stoke my mind , to stir up the coals of conciousness. I had the New Year to think about. I'm quite an avid goal setter and a big fan of if you can dream it - then you can do it ( although I do not own a bumper sticker or coffee mug that denotes this)

After daydreaming for at least three hours ( yes it's a gift and a curse!) I decided this year I will need to do more organisational planning and focus on time management. I have no idea what even these two words really mean - I just heard them on Dr Phill.
You see, spending five crucial years as a heroin addict is like entering a bubble, no-one really can see in and the person inside doesn't bother to look out. I have goals for Heroinegirl to be published and I also want to decide on a writing style. For instance, some readers think the Memoirs read like macarbe fiction - which I think is a flaw on my behalf. I'm trying to remember to write in first person more as I think that is what makes for fluid reading. I struggle with mechanics of writing also so I am going to seek professional training.

In my personal realtionships I hope many things to continue to prosper this year, whilst other additions to my new life I would like to re-examine.
Without the dullness of Heroin - I have realised that managing my life is a full-time job ! Neverless, it's one I take great pleasure in finally partaking in. I have a massive urge to rise above my past and make my mark in the world - yet sometimes this persistant nagging to be bigger and better than myself becomes my biggest distraction. I find that I sometimes hold onto ideas that revolve around me as the saviour or the heroine - so I am learning to question my motives and start to do more for others not just myself. I think this is a vital key to happiness as I want my life and my children to live naturally amoungst people without the need to have an audience or applause.
I have learnt that I need to rexamine my early childhood and rekindle links with my inner child this will help my on my past to forgiveness, which I believe will aid me most.
I cannot rely on my own children to rekindle my own missed opportunities. I have finally realised that having a child is not all about me and how it will make my life complete. My children will form identities seperate to me and this is to be encouraged. I am learning for now and the future what getting 'too' involved really means. This gives me increased peace and allows me the focus that I will require to make up for lost time spent in a room off my head for four years or five. I don't even know how long it was. It all felt like the same shitful day.

I'll make concious effort (originally) to entertain friendships that are realistic and equally based in reality and commitment. I have realised it is not mandatory as a friend to pump these people up with excessive compliments and praise. Sometimes I suspect that this is yet another way I try to attach people to me , for fear of losing them. I'm starting to notice that my friends are sticking around. I'm not letting them down anymore and I feel special without even asking how special I am to them.

It then becomes an unhealthy situation for both people involved when I tire of them - craving the next 'flavour of the month' or alternatively I become so frustrated that this person can not possibly exceed my glowering expectations, that I want to run away rather than deal with the conflict inside my own head and I just hope that I can do it alone. Sometimes it is ok to need your partner - just to throw your hands up and say "It's really not that important - you are the most important thing in my life and I love you." I have lost some wonderful people in my life because I didn't realise this in time.

I sometimes struggle with BF having a say in my own destiny - yet I also express that my mind is constantly evolving - so no wonder he likes to slow me down a notch. I start to question if this man can be trusted to love although deep down I know it's myself that has issues trusting anyone outside of myself. This constant headcase can be frustrating to the say the least, which in turn results in hurtful personal attacks on my partner. Instead of controlling feelings of anxiety regarding my own lack of control, I can sometimes manipulate my own viewpoints to seem righteous and overly critical - and I choose my partner just becase he is closest. When I think about it, my girlfriends would not tolerate such abrasive behaviour and I would not dare give it to them - yet I expect him to shoulder my emotional nit-picking every day. Just because he is there taking care of me whilst I am sick. Even though I wasn't brought up in the best environment, I have felt emotional abuse firsthand so it's about time I started to confess to my own sins. I love him dearly and although we both know it's the medication, I maintain that he deserves so much more and so do I. It is abusive behaviour that needs to stop, for both of our sakes.

I do believe I picked up alot of my behaviour from The Stepmother. From about the age of three I grew up in an emotionally abusive enviroment so to cope I became competitive with my entire family - I always wanted to stay under the radar ( common sense) and then burst with brillance (childlike thinking) It become a coping mechanism. It's true that only the toughest can survive a bad childhood, in fact unless you feel empowered to handle the challenges of becoming an adult you may find ( as I have) that you will all to easily revert back to being emotionally frustrated, vindictive and flaying between moments of total rage and then total dismay. I don't actually go to counselling to work through the issues of my life but I do spend a lot of time with my eyes and ears open. I have wandered along the 'Breadcrumb trail of life' for as long as I can remember. That's why I think it's important we all try and act with compassion for others whilst also preserving our emotional integrity. It's people like me that may be watching and taking notes on how to re-enter society and learn healthy habits for a new start. I believe that with persistance and constant awareness that you can undo lasting emotional scarring. Furthermore, I believe that my tumultous past really is a key to a wonderful future. So that's a small insight into what I wish to achieve as a person this year.
It's not material goals as I am very simple to please and I do not think that would satisfy me anyway. I only aim to understand myself better and to truly achieve personal satisfaction.
I've grown so much as a person this last year and I am grateful that I now have compassion and courtesy for all human beings. People have been patient with me as I have rediscovered my morals and beliefs - sometimes being almost overbearing I would excitedly preach my new found belief system. They just smile (warningly) and remind me that I still need to be delicate with my new opinions and always realise that is only that. It's amazing the extremities that I suffer as well - I have gone from the girl who would never be contactable , would always break engagements (most of the time without explanation) and always engaging in risk behaviours.
Now, I keep all of my doctor's appointments, I call my friends just to say hello, I open all of my mail (yep I had to learn that you open mail) answer the phone ( I had a phobia of the outside world for a long time) and even particpate in a sport.

I was lost for such a long time that I lost sight of what other people in my life could actually bring to it. But more importantly I learnt that I have to give too, and then I had to learn exactly what I should be contributing to a relationship and why we do this. I wanted to feel real , not like a phoney going through the motions. I want to be the real me and I am getting there day by day.
I have learnt to start to trust my friends and not be overly suspicious of people as not everyone is out to 'powerplay' me. I have to always remind myself that I am not the lead in my own private soap opera. I will always laugh at things even when it seems so tragic. Humour is one of the most advanced coping skills - if you can laugh at a situation you are halfway healed.

I am no longer battling to just "keep on going" that would be too easy for me and I think a waste of life ! Sometimes, I am daunted by the years ahead butI still remain excited about where this will end. I think great things are in store and now I will start to plan. In this age where humans can defy gravity, fly an aeroplane and cure disease - it is easy to view other's boundaries as personal obstacles and interuptions. I need to respect my friends boundaries and excersise my courtesy rather take refusual personally, even if my thoughts or past are not in line with thier values or beliefs.

I was actually really nice to spend time nuturing myself and getting in touch with me.
See how I am doing and all that. It's always refreshing to drop into your value system for a nice cup of tea and a 'how do you do'...

Peacefully Yours.

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