A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Monday, January 17, 2005

hmm



Just taking a quick study break and writing down my thoughts on safer sex, the unit I am reading . My parents have never given me a safe sex talk. Safe sex is obviously a personal responsibility, so where did it go wrong for me? How could I have been so ignorant and reckless with not only my health but others? Admittedly, most people don't actually know their STI status and it's not a point of how often you test but rather When was the last time and what have you done since then ?

Healing my life has involved facing my damage. Physical health being one of those areas which screamed out for cure and education. The gift (yes I did say gift) of having a contagious condition is the reconciled knowledge of safety and hygiene. The light switches on.
I also understand the concept of universal responsibility to protect your own health. The shame has become less as I am no longer burdened by the guilt of being infectious ( of course this does not mean I am not exceptionally cautious and mindful of my conditions) I have realized that it is also YOUR choice to always (always) be aware of risks and for you to protect yourself. As some of you know, I am no longer allowed to have BF's child over and this will most probably go to Court. Given that I am testing negative at present, as well as undergoing treatment and I have ceased risk behaviors (including sex work) I'm hoping that we can have his little girl on weekends.

I believed that a little family conference would air everyone's concerns so safety measures can be put in place and everyone is aware of the risks in a language they 100% understand.
But this is still not happening. I feel like I should just let this woman win, if only for Lil Girl's sake.
Even though the Ex wife has calls me diseased scum, I understand her concerns for her child. I have been open and honest and have offered for her to inspect my home and make sure we have first aid materials and separate toothbrush holders. But shouldn't everyone be this careful with Children? Can she even say the same measures are taken in her house?

it has been the only negative outcome of disclosure. We are going to the lawyers again tomorrow and hopefully mediation will be achieved. My worst fear is that she will not have her Daddy - because of me.
That is not worth any relationship, in my eyes. It's been at least three months now and she is showing no signs of letting her visit. Time to let the courts decide - or maybe just give in and move out? Choices ... Sigh.

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