A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Full Bloom

Heya lovelies (hugs) I hope everyone is voting ! We are second but I have a feeling we may slide again. More voting and more ! Everyday. Don't you want to be famous ! Vote today!
Goodness I am so not doing the Bloggies - this is like hard work ! All these links/harrassing. Poo ! Not that I wouldn't want to win. Oh yeah I put my wishlist up again too.
So if I do lose - then you can always buy me something nice. Jokes. I must say that I am loving Nip & Tuck ! I know I am so behind the times - but this show is my new fave ! We just saw the one were he finds out he is not the father. Man I was screaming like a girl. Oh hang on.
Anyway.. I just love this show and I love Outback Jack. Oh man , that is da shit !

Well what an emotional day! I am having some major emotional growth spurts - it's awesome and totally crazy at the same time. I will just start at beggining of today.
It's summer in australia and really humid - I wish it would just rain already - the clouds are the dark kind that makes everyone go "ooh and ahhh better turn of your computer dear"
Yeah right, I just keep on blogging - I like to live on the edge !
I woke up and had my medication and examine my face - cheek looks better but still comical.
Kiss BF goodbye for work and decide to check my mail.

Then I remember that I told you guys about my Hep C. I'm in two minds. Part is like ahh thank god I can finally talk about it and another voice is like No one likes sick people.
Hmm. So, I started to have second thoughts about going public and even contemplated deleting the post altogether which is totally lame and I would be so ashamed of myself even more.
So I braved the comments - I knew that you guys would be lovely but I also have this horrible feeling that I deserve to have this disease - that is my pennance for shooting up for five years. But then I read your comments in silent shock that people really felt/feel compassion for me - and I am 100% sure I did the right thing. I want to thank each and everyone of you for the support - you are special people that made my day today. I feel so alive !!!!!

Whilst attending the hospital for regular visits and checkups I have seen many terminal patients as well as sick people in general. For someone with a health phobia , I've been known to nearly faint in the hallways. But it has also given me perspective of my own health situation.
Things could be worse and I am still alive and more than that I know that I am beautiful, faults and all my strengths included. I am not going down from this.

Sure I can never drink again. (argh that is so horrid) and I can't do an E with the girls for no reason anymore at our favorite club and I can't even have Mum's punch at Xmas. I don't drink at work partys and I still have the best time. Most people think I don't need alcohol and I tend to agree. It reminds me of Dad's alcholism when I drink - I think because Stepmother always announced his patheticness to us , when he would stagger up the stairs.

It's hard being young with this disease as everyone wants to go and celebrate youth which I have learnt normally involves alcohol. I have had to learn how to say NO to drinks that people offer me - I just say I'm on antibiotics. Much more pleasant.
I had the choice to stall the treatment but I knew I was due to have a year to just take stock of my life and really really cleanse my body and soul. I am doing the biggest restoration of my soul. I have had several key emotional traumas happen in 26 years , so a reboot is in order.
I will not give up , I may just go a tiny bit nuts - but I will never give up.

But most people persist - so please think of that next time you try to booze up your friends.
LOL. My girlfriends are wonderful , but it was a learning curve for us all.
I remember we were celebrating a girl's weekend away and we had reserved a room overlooking the ocean. We often like to treat ourselves and pamper each other.
It was late afternoon and I could tell my two best friends were itching to get the party started.
As we walked past a liquor store, the girls decided to have a few afternoon fancy drinks to warm up and sip whilst getting ready for Dinner. Although this was a common pastime that we all enjoyed ( I mean champagne cocktails and spa's and giggles - who doesn't!) I felt my heart sag a little. Secretly, I was hoping that we would spend the precious time just catching up without any substances. I smiled weakly and just thought any time is good time. However, these girls know me well.
They took one look at my crestfallen face and questioned me about it. I explained that I didn't want everyone to be drunk so early as that mean later on they would definately be shitfaced and I would be like "ok you guys are adorable but also really messy and loud". I could hear my whiny voice and I cringed inside. I knew I sounded like a limpdick, normally I'm the one downing way too many tequila shots and the Life Of The Party.
I knew it wouldn't stick. I needed to speak up to my friends. No more role plays with the doctors, I needed to actually communicate my needs to those that care for me. The real truth.
"I need to start having fun without taking anything that will harm my liver" I sighed even though it was a great relief to finally acknowledge that I needed to take care of myself.
After years of destructive behaviour , this was a great step forward. I felt my heart rise and that's when I knew I would live through this. That's when I knew I was in this for the long haul.

Instantly they put down the bottles and walked towards me, sensing my earnest plea to try and do the right thing. That's what mattered to them - more than a few wines. It was me they wanted. It felt wonderful. It felt right.
"Of course - How about we just get some delicious breads and dips instead?"
She said it with such real enthusiasm and ease - even though I knew they had only minutes before wanted to make cocktails back at the resort.
But friends change ... and real friends will change with you.
I had the best afternoon with my girlfriends and we ate ourselves silly and laughed about anything and everything in between. She reads this blog right now so she will know who it is.
It may of gone unoticed to her , because to a real friend - nothing is a drama.

I still haven't told you about my day!
Man - I will do it later I promise :)

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