A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Forgive me father

Heroinegirl enters the dimly lit Church, cloaked in a black lace veil which she draws closer to her face as she enters the confessional booth. Her blue eyes catch the prisms of light thrown d from the gasoline lamp that flickers by her side. She bows her head as the small wooden door slides to the left, revealing a dark and mysterious hooded figure.

Heroinegirl: Forgive me father for I have sinned - it has been twenty-six years since my first confession.

Priest: Speak my child..Tell me how it is and Don't be a Pussy !

  • Sweet ! Well it's my health Father. I am really tired of being under the weather. I want to give up and get my life back but I know this is my one chance to clear this. I don't trust myself to do all the right things. I hate the medication and I have trouble adhering to the Doctor's request. I still haven't gone to the dentist yet and even considered running away tonight so I don't have to go. Unfortunately I gave can't drive and I gave away my scooter when it became passe'. I have to get serious about beating this disease, I only get one chance and at the moment I have stalled things by three weeks. I am ashamed at my dental phobia. I have an appointment at tomorrow and by darned I am going. This is my fifth appointment attempt!

  • I am angry at my Father. He doesn't even ask me how I am going with my medication. I want to share with him some of the feelings that the interferon has brought up although he is often tipsy preferring to make (unfunny) jokes about it. I am not ready to joke about something I am frightened about. Besides, it annoys me that he has no idea whether it is killing me or not. I hate how he is ruining his liver and scarring it beyong oblivion- this means I now have no transplant if I needed it. I may not even need it, but as usual he has put his addiction before my recovery.. I feel guilty that I see my father as an organ now. My parents have not improved their financial security since I have left home, this angers me. Will they ever change? They still have the same couch and the same chipped china. I don't mind but I want them to get real about whether this will be enough for their future. Sometimes I am ashamed to sit inside the house as I will always feel poor and cheap. I go home to my house and I try not to think about my own Family ? Is this normal? This is my shame. I am disappointed by my Father when he drives home drunk sometimes hoping he will get arrested. I would rather this punitive measure than he harm himself or other innocents when he hurtles down the mountains. I wish he did not have a doctor phobia growing up as I am more like him everyday.

  • I need to get up from the computer more. I have stopped answering the telephone again. When it rings, I just let it ring. Sometimes it may be my specalist or my partner, I just don't want to talk to anyone. Especially parents and health professionals, they always seem to be pressing me to do more when all I want to do is just slow everything down. I spend about seven hours on the computer and often eat meals in front of it. I hardly ever greet my partner when he gets home and I never have time to ask him how his day was. I want to as I know this is an enjoyable and courteous interaction. Instead, I blog. (LOL)
    {explains what blogging is } I spend hours on the internet that I cannot account for, my time is often wasted and I don't feel that I always have control of my moods if someone interupts my creative process. I think I could be reading or finishing my counseling diplomat that needs to be dusted off and recommenced this year.

  • Everything at home is fine, the anti-depressants seem to be kicking in now, so we are all really happy/medicated. I wouldn't mind a threesome with a lovely lady with big boobies to further improve my seratonin levels. Ok, it's Dacia Ray from Waking Vixen. I already prayed about it, so I figure you are in the loop anyhow. I *think* she is Catholic and she is very respectable outside the bedroom (she wears glasses so I trust her) Just joking Father. I also would like to admit that I have stopped wearing a bra to the supermarket as well as no knickers (I had a pencil skirt on) . I stole some roses from my neighbor in the nightime, I also kicked my washing under the bed rather than fold away BF's efforts to wash my clothes. I also said Cunt about five times and I believe that I had "devil" thoughts about 134 people this week (keep in mind I'm a hermit so 133 people are actually online emoticons) I called my Mother The Surburban Ewok. I am still going to perfume counters and spraying on perfume with no intention of buying, making sure I only choose the most expensive ones. If the lady asks what I am doing, I pretend that someone has just called me and I walk away calmly. Sometimes I say that it is for Mother's Day. In the sales, I put many items of clothing on the wrong rack after trying them on. I never take time to put them back on the hangers correctly because I think the sixteen year old ditz should be earning her 10 bucks an hour. Whilst in this fitting room I was noticed I looked really brown and I was doing some beach poses thinking I was pretty hot but then I realized it was just the lighting ! To be spiteful, I tried on bathers without underpants on. It still had the sticker on them but I couldn't go through with it and bought said bikini's.

  • As a revenge plan for when boyfriend is playing up. I hatched plans to get the canola spray and lightly spray his keyboard and mouse every morning secretly. Like graffiti, where would it end ? I fantasied he would become frustrated and I would be in my room thinking "Suck the big-one mister I know best...not so smart now" and he would think "Man, I am one greasy loser, everything I touch turns to schmuck!"

  • I would also like to mention (dibber-dob) that the "Christian" BF actually hides his bargains from other potential buyers at clothes stores. He hides them in case he finds something better (gluttony) or sees it cheaper (envy). I think this is almost like stealing the shirt as he hides t-shirts/jeans in his size/bracelts in very obscure places. Like, very bad fashion section for middle life crisis men. Dumb t-shirts with "Will fuck for peanuts" that everyone goes "Blah, that is the lamest thing ever". In spite of his paranoid antics, someone still found his precious Ecko shirt and he was very sad but I know it was all about Jesus watching him and I laughed. I know that you guys are tight, but still. Did you know that he wants to have unmarried sex with Britney (sinner) and Jessica Simpson (MARRIED) at the same time (a few breeches here) ??? Exactly.

  • I have been a glutton (sometimes - waif is so hot right now) just eating cheese in wedges/wheels with no crackers. I also stuff my face into my movie popcorn and then offer it to BF as he didn't see me plant my face in it , cos I dropped my choc top in his lap and he was scrubbing his Jeans cos looked like poo. I just like the feeling of my mouth crammed with salty goodness - I think I am special. I always spill my movie popcorn and then pretend it was the person next to me when the lights come on as I am running away laughing.

  • Apart from making me not go to the toilet for seven days, I also found that eating too many carbs made my ass look like a cauliflower. I now have cheese with biscuits and stop after 5 biscuits (sandwiches) and I try to eat vegies (potato chips and sweet and sour chinese) Another food confession - I ate the parsons nose (you know THAT part of a chicken) when no-one was looking. I made that roast chicken dinner and I was so worried that everyone would ask go " Oh hey where the chicken's ass ? "and I would go "As if I would eat a chicken's bum." Then they would be like , " We never said you did...it must be here somewhere? " I just angled the chicken's bum away so no one could see the gaping hole.. But I did eat it Father and I want to confess that it was really delicious. Forgive me.

  • I have been voting for myself in the Bob's but from no more than 752 email addresses. This is an exaggeration as no one voted for themselves and everyone only votes once. I have been going into yahoo chatrooms and chatting to people, just so I can post a link to the awards. This is so lame and only one person did it anyway. All he wanted to see after that was me putting fingers in my privates. Everyone else thought I was a spam-bot and I had bad thoughts about several men I wanted to kill. HOTCoKforYou, LilPinkPantieSniffer, BumLover69 and Playa4teeNs were not very nice people you see and they liked to harm God's creatures (donkeys and sheep namely)

  • Ilaughed at a tsunami joke (No, I can't repeat it) I surfed porn and I perved on my teenager sister's friends, especially the one with braces. Reow. I received a multiple orgasm and then I only gave hand relief in return. I know (terrible) I left the wet towel on my bed 7589 times in the last 26 years. I also *may* have stolen some pens from doctor's, pubs, work (ok maybe a few highlighters too) I don't drive so I have never dinged a car and just left the scene - but- I have failed to return a few shopping carts back to the supermarket, using them as various household props. (ie: wheelbarrow) I have indulged further into my dislike for naughty children. I want to smack (or watch a train smacking and point at them saying "Oh the Shame!") Red-headed children that have snotty noses and ask dumb constant questions to his mullet head Mum on the Train. "Mummy what does a train do?" or "Is this our stop Mummy?" Over and fucking over. I just want slip him a xanax , steal his backpack, eat his cut lunch and drink his fucking drink and whisper to him sweetly that he is going to a boarding school like Mummy threatened. Just kidding.
  • I only give the mother The Pissed Off Commuter Look. You know the raised eyebrow like she has poo running from her nostrils? They normally get off a few stops early, Junior walks off the Turrets and we commuters swap looks of relief then continue to mellow out to our inferior imitation i-pods. Australia is so behind.

  • We have a fart free household and in three years I have never heard the BF fart. I am very skeptical of this. I fart but only when he is away - TSE. (Top Secret Emission) No-one else has heard him in his whole life. From careful surveillance footage I can see the only "window of opportunity" could be the drive to work he does alone. I am thinking he must be "baaaaaaarping" at every light and corner all the way to work. I have told him I am confessing this but I am also confused. Can a man never fart father? Is this the work of Jesus? He is a metro-sexual (my boyfriend not Jesus, Father) but this is taking it to a whole new level. What if I let one slip? Then I will always be known as the first girl to ever fart before him. Maybe it will open a door to anal confidence

  • I need to confess sins every week and I will do so on a Wednesday Night, I encourage other sinners to enter the confessional box and confess your sins. You will feel much better.

Verdict = 123,321 Hail Mary

"Come Again Child"
Leave comments anon if you like to make a confession or just comment on mine.
Just a bit of comedy and food for thought !


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forgiveness said...

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