A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

But I don't understand ...

UPDATE : Voting over the weekend is really important until most readers get back to work on monday. Click this - Vote mucho and ofteno @! Thanks !!!
You can see how we are going - here
I'm using the prize to get us a fabulous new home with archives and search tools and a photo album - maybe even a chatroom function ! Thanks to Professor Penguin I now am the proud owner of www.heroinegirl.com ! I am so proud !
Now we just need the hosting and layout - then we closer to the stars.
Welcome to all the new visitors too - please feel to Blogroll Heroinegirl - you don't have to email and ask - it's the nicest compliment to what I do here.

By the way - I have only had 4 comments on my HUGE memoir below. I know it is alot of words (7000 I think) So, I have divided it into three parts. I won't be posting a memoir until Monday - as that one took about 15 hours.

I will be posting this weekend :)

End Update !

Tonight I had a really dumb idea to go into a yahoo chat room and chat to recovering addicts to spread the word about my recovery. After having a very unpleasant interlude with the administrator - I just have to blog about it and hope one of you are around. Basically, this male advocate of NA was questioning how I got off drugs without the steps that form the basis of Narcotics Anonomous. The feeling in the room was a little bit 'cult' like all they wanted to talk about what how much Narcotics Anonomous was resopnisble for their happiness. I expressed to this self-righteous dude that seeing that addiction is personal and I don't see why recovery - tailored to my needs. I am not anti-Na for the sole reason that one more person off drugs and back in control is the main thing - Whatever works !


But he was quick to tell me that I had it all wrong ! He maintained his viewpoint, reiterating that I would have to go to meetings eventually or I would soon fail at life and be back using drugs in four years. I would love to borrow his crystal ball by the way ;)
I was very disappointed when he warned me to not speak about my "dodgy" recovery in the main room as newcomer's will think they can do it on their own. He sounded like I would have more luck growing a penis from my forehead that I could replace my cheese in a can with.
But seriously, I have had enough of this stupidness. I have contacted several drug forums and because of my links ( of my friends) they refuse to support my site. I think they mean the hooker ones - as they say many drug addicts are sex addicts as well. I have not really found this myself. He let me know quite cruelly that people that did not follow the NA treatment were doomed to fail and that I was kidding myself , I am always an addict. I am ***** fucking ******* (real name) What if I don't want another to just be another fucking label?
I'm a real live person. I told him I would send him a cheerio when I was on Oprah and he was in a smoky hall somewhere counting the days since he was 'born again'.
Through good and bad , I am always me and I will look around for my own steps to take.
I use some of the steps - but not because it's the only thing that works.
No more attempts to get recovered addicts here - it's just too frustrating trying to validate that I am actually different . I believe in myself.

Now I better get on Oprah or I will look like a fucking fool.
Waits for the phone to ring...
Any day now...

GRRRAH ! To the nice people I met - if you dared to come into my lair of rebellion then good on you ! I wish you all the best in your recovery , however you find happiness is ok with me !

end rant

p.s Make sure you vote !!!

6 comments:

homeslide D said...

just glad you are clean.

sdRay said...

My name is Ray and I just started a new blog about obsession confession. Its a place where you can chat about obsession confession confidentially. I hope you will come and check out www.MySecretConfessionSpace.com. Thanks for letting me post on your site.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about your experience. That is just one out of many na meetings. Alot of people get clean through na. I was one of them. I am now smoking pot (tring not to every day) and it is diffulcult. Anyway, what ever your doing keep doing it if it works. Thanks for your story. I'll find my way I hope.

Anonymous said...

I do attend na but I really don't care how you stay clean as long as you do good luck

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Anonymous said...

Hey, I think its great you stayed clean without n/a I'm another n/a reject wasn't my thing nothing against the general concept just the idea that, thats the only way it works in there eyes. In my personal experience I wanted to use more after attending meetings than before I went and for me my being clean has alot more to do with trying to find the positive instead of mourning and reviewing the errors weve already made.