A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Security Alert

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Hello Lovelies.

I have attempted to add Haloscan for your convenience so all the comments have now been archived (hopefully) I am a little bit flat today but I did notice someone nominated me for
which made me smile this morning, so thank you to that reader. I sometimes refer to Sooky La La and this is my self-concious alter-ego. Most of the time, I am super positive, confident and self assured. However, since writing down my most well concealed memoirs I have opened up a part of me that not only hurts but can only be healed by moving through it. Sometimes, I struggle with this and some people I thought were supporters in turn only come to read about me to feel better about themselves. I find this frustrating. I feel powerless. Today I don't know if I can keep going on - I want to for everyone else that has been so supportive and I love you all dearly. I know I publish on the internet and I should realise that not everyone is a fan. I guess I am going to have to make a few choice moves then.


Normally, I would pick myself and dust myself off (just like I did about being a junkie) but on days like this - it hits me harder than I expected and I just feel like someone is tearing about my soul and everything that I love. It sounds dramatic ( I know) so I am just going to hit publish and let you see how I am feeling. I am sure I am overeacting.


I just need to remember this post that I wrote only recently to you...do you remember this ?

I am standing in the sunlight and my family and fears are all back in this dark cave. It is crowded and hard to breathe inside the cave. He is inside the cave along side the people that tried to hold me down - those who tell you you're not good enough. Yet they need me and they don't know why. But I don't need them.

Eventually, I found my way out of the cave with the amazing love of my friends and partner - so I am now singing to you in a symphony of sunshine, fresh air and hope it is swirling around me - close your eyes and you will feel it.

The people that never understood me, they still beckon me to return to the cave and believe that I never deserve to be happy. But I do. And I am.
I've made it to the sunshine and I am not turning back.
I have people that love me and don't want to hurt me.
I don't need the darkness of the cave to protect me and I don't need to get high to survive the sunshine. I will live how I want, and I do everyday.

I don't even know if 'they' are going to come out to join me and play in the gorgeous sunshine that I share with you now.
But I began my true recovery the day I realised that I didn't have to make them come out When I realised that it was not up to me to save them.

Life is a miracle .
So live it.
From the gutter to the stars..
One truth at a time...Your HG

Thats more fucking like it . Whoo hoo ! I'm back kids ! Fuckem !
Love the spunkiest ex junkie whore in the free world

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