A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Junkie Whore - Cont.

We now resume to our normal programming. A continuation from this post as I finish the memoir in full. You must read that post in order to fully understand the history that forms the backstory. We ended our last post...

He spat on me. I feared for my life yet his threats grated on my sanity more. No one would really care if I died. I knew it and so did he. The landlord was looking on from above the balcony, he was safe up there. He didn't want to get involved. I screamed for someone to call the police. I told them to do it or someone might get hurt.
No one did. Even though everyone that had gathered around knew how serious things were. Regardless, of the threats made to my life it seemed to me that everyone watching was really, really, frightened to intervene/ I knew that I would have to end this, once and for all.

I opened the door, resigned to my fate. The fear was unbearable and I wanted some relief.
The following events unfurled like a daydream yet not quite so pleasant. As I stood outside the motel door, I looked deep into Jake's eyes which glittered with mean.
"I do know you, I just know it - I wouldn't lie" I hissed. He did not acknowledge me , it was like he was looking five inches from the right side of my face.
I shrugged and stared at the ground, I didn't want him to see me cry.
I tried to plead with my eyes that I was telling the truth.
My mind was reeling - maybe it wasn't him ? Maybe I was so stoned at the time that I had remembered it wrong ? Stupidly, I tried to make him remember our time together. I told him about the house that I remembered he lived in and how this house matched up with what Jodie had told me. This only served to infuriate him even more, I realised then that he was not stable mentally. That was becoming rather obvious.

"Look junkie whore - I have never EVER seen a fucking prostitute - you're fucking insane !!" He spat on me as he yelled this inches from my face.
I spluttered with disbelief at what he was saying, yet I sensed he was determined to force me to agree with this lie. I almost felt sorry for him that he couldn't admit that he had slept with me, and had paid for it. I also felt ashamed. Was this what being a prostitute was all about? Putting up with this?
I remember searching his eyes for the falter , the glaze inside his eyes that held the lie - and I found it. Only then did I know 100% that he was lying . I challenged him with all I had. I wanted to believe that good would triumph over evil. I wanted him to admit that he once called me "special". I found it almost sickening that he could lie so well. But he only wanted me silenced, I saw his fear that I would expose him forever as someone that he could never truly admit to being.

He told me that unless I admitted to his girlfriend that I made the whole story up, that my boyfriend would be beaten to death by him and his mates. I was sobbing uncontrollably by now, and he barged past me and grabbed the Ex by the throat and shook him with drunken menace.
"Ok!" I shouted. " Don't hurt him - I will do whatever you want and I will say whatever you want me to" I closed my eyes as the hot tears of shame slid down my face.
"You're right. I don't know you".
I cast my eyes downwards and wish the floor would open up and swallow me.
I knew I had to start playing his game.
Finally, he seemed content with this 'confession' so he released my boyfriend, I rushed to him as The Ex slumped down the wall, then Jake spat on him.
He pushed me to the ground and I yelped, scraping my elbow on the gravel and then he yanked me by the hair and marched me down to the units. Needless to say , I was terrified. He marched me down the highway like I was a dog.We wound up the stairs and he knocked on the door to his girlfriend's unit.

"Fuck off cunt!" Jodie spat through the door, her voice shrill with anger.

"I have nothing to say to you, it's over and I don't wanna see you anymore!" She could see he had by the hair but she didn't even acknowledge that I was there.
I looked down at his personal effects that were scattered down the staircase. oviously she was still very much his girlfriend. I knew then she had visited me that day, not to be my friend but to pump for information. She had assured me that she had left him, and she knew he was this voilent. She pretended to listen to the rest of my chit chat - then she ran home and told her boyfriend everything. I was looking out for her, but I suppose she didn't see it that way - fair enough.

"Jodie I have that fucking slut right here now - She's gonna tell you that she has never seen me before and she's gonna apologize, fucking junkie aids bitch" He held me by the neck like a puppet.
I was trembling and ready to give the performance of my life.
Just for fucks sake open the door.
That's all I could think. I prayed to God she would think like a woman and realise that we should stick together - if it came to violence.
Open the door, I pleaded silently.

But nothing happened, I could sense this was only making Jake increasingly furious. He wrenched me by my ponytail and I screamed and I screamed. He went to push me down the stairs and then the door opened. Jodie only opened it a quarter of the way, but our eyes connected. She looked away, rivers of mascara painting trails of sadness down her face. My teeth chattered so much but I just started to talk.
"Jodie, I'm so sorry - I don't know your boyfriend, I though he was someone else' I shrugged my shoulders and my eyes did the talking. I couldn't lie but I tried.
Please believe me.
"I made a mistake " She was cold and unfriendly but I spoke in rushes, pleading with open palms to embellish my plea.
I was blubbering, I must've sounded so pathetic and weak. I wept openly. She remained dubious so he made me say that I was doped up and that I had nothing to do with him and never would. I parroted his demands until my voice was hoarse. She did not say a word until I had finished. She hated me so much and she told me then and there. She said I should do everyone a favour and just die. I probably had Aids anyway. This seemed to make her smug.

"Please believe me, I never touched your boyfriend"
My eyes asked her to save me, but I knew it was a long shot.
She knew fully well what he was capable of and I knew this was my punishment.
It was obvious that I had slept with him. I just wanted it to go away. Would she take this as an oppurtunity to save face - or would she need to face the truth? I was counting on the fact that she was young and would want to believe me - yet she knew her boyfriend was a liar. I held my breath and asked again.
"Please tell me that you believe me - I want to go home"
Nobody moved and I waited for her to tell him to release me. She smiled.
"I believe you"
Relief washed over my body and I felt his grip loosen.
I broke free to go home but as I turned I caught from the corner of my eye, her mouth the words "I don't believe her" to Jake and before I could stop him, he shrieked a murderous scream and pushed past me and started running towards my motel. Towards The Ex. I started to chase him. She laughed and told me I had no chance of saving my boyfriend - just like her. But I would try.
"No ! You fucking coward - he can't fight you - Please I beg of you"
I shouted out to him, all the while pumping my legs trying to get ahead of him.
I knew the Ex would be outside and that he would have no chance against this man.
I knew it was only a week since the stabbing and this would be the end for The Ex.
I watched him sprint ahead of me and I just knew I would never catch him.
I started to scream my boyfriends name. "****** ! Shut the fucking door!"
I still remember the fear and the feeling of impending doom.
"Shut the fucking door" I screamed as I rounded the corner to the unit.
"He is going to kill you!" The Ex mouth dropped open, the door was ajar as he was watching the television, with Jake running before me I could only warn him with my screams.
He didn't have time to react though and Jake burst into the room and locked the door behind him. I had to watch him manhandle him from behind the window , I was locked out and I pummeled the green door to no use. I could hear screaming and thumping and I was begging for anyone to help us. I kept pounding that door.
Take me. Take me. I'm the junkie whore. But he didn't want to hurt me.
He wanted to take what I loved as he knew that was the worst pain.
He was right. I slumped under the window and vomited from the nerves. I knew he was hurt.
The door slid open and jake sauntered out, spitting on me one more time.
"Junkie Whore - You don't ever fucking say you know me again."
He lurched in to kick my face which was pressed against the concrete but then stopped himself.
"I don't know you " I whispered
I was rocking back and forth, my throat stripped from the spew that lay beside my face.
I watched his legs slip sideways then vanish down the driveway.
"I fucking know you cunt" I said a little louder now, dragging up onto my feet. I was shaking with rage. I made sure he was long gone though, I'm not stupid. I just had to say it. I knew the truth.
I shook away the hate, suddenly remembering my partner. I ran into the room and the Ex was camly watching TV, I collapsed into his arms sobbing.
"I thought he was going to kill you !" I checked him over and he was fine. It was all a big show to scare the shit out of me. Fucking asshole. As I was hosing away the vomit , I started to smile whilst shaking my head in disbelief at what a loser he was. Yep, I had definately fucked that guy ( a few times) and he was a lousy lover everytime. Now, I knew also that he couldn't fight and I definately knew that he couldn't handle facing up to his own life. I was something he was desperate to hide. I hurt him more than he could hurt me. Next time I would be prepared.
I am still waiting to see him again. I know a few people that want to have a word.

I did see Jodie, the girlfriend, a few times after that terrible day. One night ,many many moons ago. I was out at a swanky nightclub dancing with the girls, it been three months since I had finished my detox. I looked great but I felt even better. I was in the boutique bathroom applying makeup and I didn't even recognise her at first, then she grabbed me by the arm, squealing with delight.
It had been about two years since she told me that I would be better off dead.
Her face was gaunt and skinny, speed sores dotting her pasty complexion. She didn't look nice - she looked trashy and coked out , like she had done a few too many lines and it was getting the better of her. Jodie approached me and I recoiled slightly. Not because of her appearance, just out of habit. I thought she would start screaming I had aids again or that I didn't deserve to be out enjoying myself, dancing like all that mattered was me. I like those moments as they are rare.

"OMG !" She said , her eyes flashing with excitement.
"You look fucking amazing shit man! You must've cleaned up- that's soooo good sister, I was soooo worried about you. " She tried to hug me but I remained stiff and cold. I just wanted to get back to my vodka, lime and soda. She was reknown for being fake and I wasn't in the mood for catching up.
But as always she kept yammering on about how things fucked up bad and she was sorry and all ; she also clarified that now that I was a better person that maybe we could hang out and take speed and go dancing. I knew she was only saying this because she was speeding. Nothing had changed between us.

I declined politely and tried to seperate myself from her clingy embrace. She gripped harder, it was odd. I sensed she wanted me to confirm her fears, tell her that I really did make up that I fucked her boyfriend. The air crackled with unspoken message. I sighed tried to push her gently away, just the sight of her brought all the memories of Miami back - it seemed like she was still living there from the look of her. I wanted it behind me and I saw all of it, including her, as a massive waste of time. So sue me.
I maintained my composure as I applied another coat of mascara and I looked at her smiling face in the reflection.
"Yes, I did fuck your boyfriend and he was horrible." I said nonchalantly as I dropped the mascara wand into my handbag. I slip out a sly smile as I watched hers melt slowly down her face. I remembered her mouthing the words to Jake that day, and the smile she had on her face as she watched me scream outside the locked door. It was my turn.

"What's more his days are numbered - The Gold Coast is a very small place. Realistically, we all know that one day you meet these people again - that you always get a second chance. Know that I am waiting with relish for this moment. Know that I will make him beg and cry and I will relish in finishing this discussion with pain and suffering." I meet her wide-eyed stare in the mirror and a smile an evil smile. I am not normally this vengeful. What happened after that day was this. She explained that in order to stay with the man she loved she would have to pretend it never happened. She asked me not to even look in her direction and to never speak about her boyfriend. I saw him many times be with other girls and I kept my word to her. Perhaps it was spite ; perhaps I felt stronger than ever to do the right thing by this girl.
I turn on my heel to leave and as I do, I think of a parting thought so I lean in to her shocked expression. I whispered coldly into her ear and I saw the blood drain from her face as I spoke.
"By the way, he saw Dirty Sue after me - You should really get yourself tested. Have a good night " I wink and slam the door on her shadow. What gave me the final laugh was we both knew this was true.

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