Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Nobody Is Perfect
Today is Little One's birthday ( she turns seven) I have all her presents here, wrapped with tender love and cotton candy coloured paper. I won't get to see her open them, all I will have is a feeling in my heart that she will be happy and that in turn, will have to do.
I sent an email to the Mother where I explained it was just too upsetting for me, on my treatment, to deal with her prejudices regarding my ability to provide a safe enviroment for the Little One. So, reluctantly I said I would cease contact with Little One and she would not have to worry, just please stop. My pride won't let me go back and say "Hey it's ok for you to treat me like a social disease."
I am more than a condition and I am more than a recovered addict. But right now I have the strangest pain inside, sweet little one please know if you are hurting, so am I. If I seem to be confused, I am sorry. I don't know, even myself, if I can be this strong for you anymore, and it breaks my heart. Forgive me.
I have never put up with discrimination about the drugs and the details before, why should I do that now? I wonder, when does being a mother give you the right to abandon decency and compassion - to others outside your family- all in the name of being "a good parent"? Define good parent ?
To the mother - I am not sorry that I did not turn out to be the perfect stepmother - not that you would ever accept me anyway. I am not pretty in pink , I do not bake and I would not have the faintest idea how to sew costumes or do things how you do them. But I love her and I am willing to learn, and we were doing just fine. So much seems coincidental, now I am becoming the Evil Stepmother and I am not even sure of a happy ending, for anyone. I got better for a reason and I have plenty more to keep going. I am never going back there and I am only moving forwards. Does it all lose meaning if I have to plead with someone whose heart is hard with hate. I can't take much more pleading, I can't take much more doubt and baseless fears. Respect my rights too - I am a living, breathing person.
Maybe ..if her Mother could be reasonable and perhaps try to understand my point of view - Just maybe I could be able to see the Little One again. I suspect it is much more than me, burst of resentment towards me and all that I have managed to achieve, in spite of myself. That is ok. I understand - nobody is perfect. But to pawn the children is unacceptable. It had to stop.
But why dream of a day when she will accept me and make my life easy ? I know that so many people think that families should be together.. But what if it just can't be, for no fault of your own ? Am I shut out of yet another family ?
Maybe I was dreaming of impossible things, maybe I was hoping too hard.
Maybe , it is all I know how to do.
Aparently when I have children , I will understand.
Well, as the tears slide down my face I can promise you that I will never demonstrate to my children, hate and ignorance. I will never teach by devastating example, how to make someone feel like a animal. Like nothing.
Even though I am purged of my past , the future blossoms with barricades.
Happy Birthday Beautiful.
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
She's always gone too long
Anytime she goes away."
Posted by Miss Behaving [badly] at 11/02/2004 02:21:00 PM