A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Nobody Is Perfect

Saint Barbie
Still sad today..

Today is Little One's birthday ( she turns seven) I have all her presents here, wrapped with tender love and cotton candy coloured paper. I won't get to see her open them, all I will have is a feeling in my heart that she will be happy and that in turn, will have to do.

I sent an email to the Mother where I explained it was just too upsetting for me, on my treatment, to deal with her prejudices regarding my ability to provide a safe enviroment for the Little One. So, reluctantly I said I would cease contact with Little One and she would not have to worry, just please stop. My pride won't let me go back and say "Hey it's ok for you to treat me like a social disease."
I am more than a condition and I am more than a recovered addict. But right now I have the strangest pain inside, sweet little one please know if you are hurting, so am I. If I seem to be confused, I am sorry. I don't know, even myself, if I can be this strong for you anymore, and it breaks my heart. Forgive me.

I have never put up with discrimination about the drugs and the details before, why should I do that now? I wonder, when does being a mother give you the right to abandon decency and compassion - to others outside your family- all in the name of being "a good parent"? Define good parent ?

To the mother - I am not sorry that I did not turn out to be the perfect stepmother - not that you would ever accept me anyway. I am not pretty in pink , I do not bake and I would not have the faintest idea how to sew costumes or do things how you do them. But I love her and I am willing to learn, and we were doing just fine. So much seems coincidental, now I am becoming the Evil Stepmother and I am not even sure of a happy ending, for anyone. I got better for a reason and I have plenty more to keep going. I am never going back there and I am only moving forwards. Does it all lose meaning if I have to plead with someone whose heart is hard with hate. I can't take much more pleading, I can't take much more doubt and baseless fears. Respect my rights too - I am a living, breathing person.

Maybe ..if her Mother could be reasonable and perhaps try to understand my point of view - Just maybe I could be able to see the Little One again. I suspect it is much more than me, burst of resentment towards me and all that I have managed to achieve, in spite of myself. That is ok. I understand - nobody is perfect. But to pawn the children is unacceptable. It had to stop.

But why dream of a day when she will accept me and make my life easy ? I know that so many people think that families should be together.. But what if it just can't be, for no fault of your own ? Am I shut out of yet another family ?

Maybe I was dreaming of impossible things, maybe I was hoping too hard.
Maybe , it is all I know how to do.

Aparently when I have children , I will understand.
Well, as the tears slide down my face I can promise you that I will never demonstrate to my children, hate and ignorance. I will never teach by devastating example, how to make someone feel like a animal. Like nothing.

Even though I am purged of my past , the future blossoms with barricades.

Happy Birthday Beautiful.

"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
She's always gone too long
Anytime she goes away."



Corgan Dane said...

Wow...your blog is awesome...

(runs to add it to his links.)

You freaked me out, though! I was just looking at Mark Ryden's website today.

I want his Blood book, and the soundtrack. Awesome.

Rambling Rene said...

Dear HG...I am not a mother, but I'm getting to be "that age"...I can't say that I wouldn't freak out if I found out that my baby's daddy was dating (or are you married?) a recovered addict and/or ex-prostitute...but I can say, from reading your blog that I would tell the father "prove to me that she is okay to trust my baby with." YOU, HG, have given me that. You have taught me that nugget of compassion. Tell your boyfriend/husband to get some balls. Much love...Rene (I am one of a-b-c-dee's best friends, drop by my boring blog any time!)

darling maggot said...

it is necessary, appropriate, and good of you to step aside in the game of adults and exes using their children in manipulative ping pong games. i respect the mother's concerns. it is not an easy or comfortable situation and i doubt it ever is. hopefully your man will step up to the plate when it comes to creating some sort of understanding between the two of you.

stephenliveshere said...

Blue Riegn?!
I see the link is correctly spelled...

HeroineGirl said...


lol. Just joking, don't cork my arm !

Ok just a note, I do not want any shitful comments on this post. I never censor normally, but I am in no way strong enough to start feeling for the mother , and hearing her side. I know her side of things and whats done is done. I am just sad . Sooky la la .
So no siding with the horrible lady!
You are all on MY side :P

Tantrums and Spilt Milk,

Rambling Rene said...

Of COURSE I'm on your side! Baby mama drama sucks! Kisses!