A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

The Games We Play

I am feeling so good !
The best I have felt in like..months !
Heroinegirl is back on the mend, fighting fit and coming out swingin.
Just check out my highscores baby ;)

The Little One's mother came over today and tried to talk me into leaving town.
Hillarous. For the first time ever, I stood up for what I believe in.
That thing is called love, and for the first time it really is true.

I am totally and utterly in love, more than ever before !
I am so proud of myself that I dug myself out of that horrible ditch of gloom and doom.
The girls are still not able to come over mind you, but I am actually NOT taking it personally. I have decided to seperate how others feel about my past and how I feel about myself. If never the twain shall meet , then it is sad , but life is sad.
Amazing for me, as I am one of those people who always cares way too much about what others think. It started in highschool and tailed me home.

I don't think this is what she wanted to hear !
She didn't want to know that all this drama about custody and the evils had actually made me more stronger and happier than ever to be clean ! She seemed really taken aback with my renewed zest for life and it was actually quite sad to watch her throw things at me to bring me down. After I had said my points, I culled the conversation and finally knew, when to walk away. I don't have to take it. I don't have to listen to just anybody anymore about how I can fix my life. I have earnt it, well in truly. Now it is time to stop proving - time to start living.

I simply explained I had survived much worse than she could ever throw and I think in the persuit of being clean, I put too much emphasis on trying to fit in with what people want of me now, as a clean person. It is like I always have to prove myself , but that is my issue and slowly but surely I am learning.
Then I said that most girls never got on with ex-wifes anyway, that she is his past and I accept that, but I have a future with my partner now and that is what is most important. As long as we are together then everything really is ok.

Well ..you could practically see her witches boots leave skidmarks on the driveway.
Yep today I finally found my feet and hit the highscore page.

Heroinegirl 1 Hell Ex Woman of Darkness 0

I am learning that the main person you do need to please, is yourself.

I feel so guilty , even typing that. I give so much all the time , that I sometimes wonder if there is anything left for me. It is a real skill to learn to give freely, but an even harder one - is to know when to hold back.

When to know that someone is just Playing the Games we like to play and beating them at it - and even though it is hard and you think it is game over - have faith for the end in sight , because everyone knows in the final sequence , the climax and the crunch - it's always the good guys that win.

Game on.


kat said...

Seems you're learning a most valuable lesson. To be able to look at your reflection in the mirror you have to follow your heart and do what's right for you, not what you assume is right in others' eyes.

That's not being selfish. That's being mature.
I'm happy for you.

Rambling Rene said...

Go HG! It's your birthday! Go HG! It's your birthday! *cheezy dancing ensues*

HeroineGirl said...

goona drink barcadi like it's yo birfday ..
wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy wak !

Please forgive my bad rap.
Let us move forward.

Kim said...

You go girl, trash that bitch



Myles said...

Good for you! That's such a hard step to take, but it does get easier each time you do it. If it helps to alleviate the feeling of selfishness (which I know I felt in that stage), just remember, you can't take care of anyone/anything else properly unless you take care of yourself first. *hugs*

Dacia said...

Yay for standing up for yourself and not takin no shit! (and yay for double negatives).

And also, yer blog is lookin mighty purdy.

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