Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany's and no one has affairs to remember. I sound pessimistic but it is true.
Everything seems to be so hard in the dating game thesedays. I'm not talking about the bazillions of girls and boys ( and all other mutations) looking for casual sex , extra marital affairs, fetish finding and all and sundry - I actually do mean those 'purists' (People that just have shit luck at getting laid/getting romance/getting friends and make you think - oh ffs can you please stop trying so fucking hard and chill out!) As antiquated as it is sounds, I actually know that some "dreamseekers" persue genuine relationships out there in the 'cyberspace badlands'.
The chatrooms are being invaded ! No longer the safe realm of 'counter strike' black t-shirt wearing , burrito spilling , slash dot.com worshippers - my beloved internet is not just for dorks anymore. Move over and let the popular people online to share an already morally "crowded" place - the same losers in highschool that made life hell - so much you couldn't wait to leave school so they could dissolve into reality , complete with the drink -driving charge, junk habit or eating disorder conclusion. The formula for the ideal romantic hero has become imprecise. Anybody can be a somebody , online.
I think that is why I don't bother anymore with chat rooms any more ( apart from Bill Gates got jack of it as well) and choose to talk to myself , not entirely healthy I admit, but a whimsical journey all the same. The internet used to be for nerds, not the pimping ground for peodophiles, who has somehow made a leacherous journey through our firewire and into our homes.
Doesn't someone have a toilet to hang around, a shopping mall to loiter in ? I am still trying to BRB to death a wierd 'friend' that found myself on schoolfriends.com. Suddenly , he is like always on my IM - I talk to him more than my Dad and this is the way of the future ? Yeah , but I'm addicted to it.
I am floundering in my overly complicated explanations to my single, female and keen ( read: desperate) friend (read : lamb to the slaughter) the definitive art of online dating. Not that I am an expert - I just cannot bare to see her give away her body and mind so friviously not to mention for free ! Does everyone use protection, even if you have been chatting for several months, or in this case, several hours?
So I try to be a good heroinegirl and shed light on the pasha of the guy that goes into chatrooms. She has barely unwrapped the bubble wrap off her new PC ,the modem hasn't even heated up - yet she already has lurid visions of being able to find 'Mr Right' whilst sitting at home in tracksuit pants, with greasy hair and Cheeto encrusted teeth. Yes that is what we do. We sit in our knickers and read our mail, deleting about 50% of them. Then, we wait and bide some time - answering yesterday's email - before replying ( hopefully no girl is emailing immediately back - if they read the rules, which I may add was a half baked theory conjured up by two rather bored married women who wanted to guilt single people of fucking - and enjoying it) The average guy responding to my friend's discreet -albeit slightly ordinary profile is- slightly average looking, fairly educated, working class and sprouting body hair in slight abundance. A man who claims he is 25 but he is really 30 'ish'. It's an "old photo".
Normally divorced and normally "doesn't see the kids". I am told this is completely normal, these guys even email the really hot ones. There is no social class, it seems online.
I veto quite a lot of the profiles she sends me to 'go over' .This serious task normally entails getting rampantly drunk on red wine and creating an education of sorts on the codes and ethics entailed. To sort through the smoothtalkers, is a tireless and thankless task, these cyber chamelon's hide behind their profile (taken straight from the back of a harlequin novel)yet with a tad more probing, or perhaps promising some quick sex, this artificial persona soon slips away to reveal that aforementioned "Romeo" is a cuddly truckdriver with tufts of ear hair and a gut splattered with aerosol cheese after missing his mouth, covered with six chins. Moreover, if they are not the latter they tend to be Child maintence payin, sex addicted/commitment shirking, more baggage than Heathrow's arrival lounge lost souls whom consequently translate to the latest reason that many of my single girlfriends are reaching for the jumbo jelly-rolls and stuffing them with Xanax.
I can't help but wonder - is it just too crowded in cyberspace to stand out in a crowd?
I mean one girl ( I won't name but she has probably emailed you anyway for your asl - dumb fucking term if I ever heard one) has had no less than 14 unsuccessful dates/relationships procured online in the last two months. She is not retarded and she does not mention babies , marriage or STD's on the first date. She is blonde. She does have children, but so what right? Anyhow she is saying now, that she doesn't want to sort through any more potentials as she is getting a reputation as a slut. Yet, the guys all still call for sex and get it. I am sure that some clients of mine, would easily be trolling the net for some free booty on the off pay week - if this is indicative of the level of effort required to get a lay.
I wonder.. Is this a the easiest way to sell yourself and get shortchanged?
I confess to you now ( seeing that it is just you and I ) to being a little bit of a harlot in the boom that was the "msn chatroom" of 2002 - but I did manage to find my current beau there and I only had to sleep with and get burnt by 2 losers , whom I might gleefully add , have since tried to come groveling back. But the amount of sex offered and declined was phenomenal. Cyber this , Cyber that. Then phonecalls and more phone cybering. I'm sorry to anyone that I made suffer throughout my very inept cybering phase of 2002 .
Most of them got what they wanted and left , such is life ! It doesn't perturb me that much, even if we never spoke again, I will always think of them fondly - as an asshole.