A Note From The Writer

Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Possibly Maybe

Ahh trainspotting.
RENTON (voice-over): I don't feel the sickness yet, but it's in the post, that's for sure. I'm in the junky limbo at the moment. Too ill to sleep, too tired to stay awake, but the sickness is on its way. Sweat, chills, nausea, pain, and craving. Need - like nothing I've ever known- will soon take hold of me. It's on its way.

I found this poem today. I wrote this in a bus shelter to protect the sheet from the rain.
It was just after someone very dear to me was killed.


What is the magic of thinking if I am dead ?

I'm just a naked girl..shivering in bed.
In the blue light of the blink ,
Im fluttering over my stuttering

The breeze chills the sweat fogging my eyes
and I'm sad to the core ,
Im rolling in bloodstained money
like a drug addled whore.
But you loved me and held me
and we feared for our lives ,
as long as we had each other,
we always survived
we stopped talking a long time ago ,
I remember it this time round.

I remember how you held me, before you were put in the ground.
somedays are just plain mad, some times are worse ,
some days are plain fucking bad.

If only it would make sense I'd make a million dollars.
Make a bridge of reason and all the junkies would follow
I have not spared , to put in
I have not cared what takes out,
I dont want to lie down and take it,
But I cannot find you, even if I shout.

But winters gones and this year is dread,
nothing can be shared
now that your dead.
You can't see my head shining,
My mouth that is smiling ,
the words arent that clear
But the message is blinding.
I still love you..

Just like some crazy love song,
We smelt the sunset and swam in happy times together,
We never knew it could not last forever.
I still feel your embrace,
I still feel a smile on my face
When I do - I choose to - for you

Im ever so clean now
and my tears are warm like the water.
Im the perfect friend, lover and the born again daughter.
But its not all the same ,
as we both know,
your face is covered and cold
and the memory is beginning to grow..
I cant stop it , and I know thats ok..
you released me a long time ago,
and smiled again.

You come to me in the softness and makebelieve of the night,

Bedazzle me, sweet angel on your maiden flight
Freeze ice tears on my cheeks
and dissapear from sight..

For with much sadness..we let each other go.

I will make it right.

Created by me , in memoriam for lost love X

1 comment:

Biek said...

Beautifull words HG, just beautifull.