"I want you as bad as a heroin addict wants his image" Interesting quote, even if it is aimed at the generic male addict.
Cruelty occurs when people lose touch with the real world. This is partly due to the fact that we are distanced from reality by a life we do not lead, therefore we are also distanced from one another. We experience the world through television and drugs to enjoy social communication. We use machines instead of our bodies and when our bodies fail us, machines keep us alive. When we do not feel life, we do not feel what it is to be alive. We do not feel compassion, our neighbour is invisible. When he suffers, we turn the television off or simply register a blank. Existence is a bubble we feel will never burst.
Then I came along, full steam ahead.
heroine draft entry 4 /The Highrise
We moved into a small modest flat. It was a fibro , sparsely furnished and very basic. It was set upon the beachside. Just in time for another gruelling Australian summer. The salty blue ocean was our backdrop, set amoungst piping hot white sand and python green foilage.
I had my cat from the Stepmothers brought to join our little family. Lovely Legs. That was the name we gave her. She was a gorgeous tabby, a stray I found on the street, I fely sympathy when I looked into those hunted eyes. She was my baby girl. Things were sweet. We stayed off the drugs and did all the coupley things. Went to the movies. Held hands and walked the beach, collecting shells. Went fishing. It was a young, carefree and innocent summer. We both got tanned and healthy of a diet of fish and seafood caught on the beachfront. The time was nothing extravagant. But it was ours.
I remember my first shot of heroin was a total non event. I remember the total anticlimax. " Man those junkies must be fucked up to wish themselves on the nod". I remember saying to both myself and The Ex
I remember thinking I was going to (a) overdose instantly ( too many movies) (b) start throwing up (personal experience of boyfriend) (c) fall asleep mid sentence . Nothing. The needle slipped in easily and jacked back.I got a faint taste in the back of my throat. I remember thinking ...Is this It ? If only I could’ve repeated that just once more time in my life again, with the same meaning , I might’ve spared myself five years of heroin addiction. In hindsight , I can see that I was just ripped off. Standard. I actually think it’s funny. Is that weird ?. Having a drug problem is always a little bit of both.
I had a second taste about a week later and down into the rabbit hole I went. I had a long perfumed bath afterwards and I have never felt so torn between total bliss and melancholy. Heroin slipped over all satin, pouring pleasure in fleeting waves of unatural glory. My eyes become glazed over with some kind of superpower. Like a murky veil, so I could see out in a haze and yet people could not always see the me, inside.
They stayed like that for five years.
I dont subscribe to the theory that your addicted instantly. but have a shot of Heroin - everyday for five days - your well on your way to feeling uncomfortable and in that window of opportunity , the tap on the shoulder will get you.
It drives the car.
It dials the number.
It hands over the rent money , and it tells you its ok.
It felt too good to share a shot together and curl up in front of the video. A warmth you’ve never felt, a comfort you have never reached. At what cost ? Had we let some all encompassing menace into our home. It was a presence. The minute I opened my eyes. You automatically check how stoned you are or later, how sick you are. First thought for five years. Then, reality seeps in. Dont answer the phone. it’s the landlord...pull the curtains. it’s your straight friends. they dont "get" you anymore. Roll over. How am I going to afford a hit today. You just do. You just will. Roll back again. You’re awake now. you’re not going to sleep easy for a long time.
I remember the scene was starting to open up to me. The way the scoring game works is simple. You are given a dealer and a mobile number. You call. You say " can I see you" he says yes..10 minutes. 2 minutes (yet) or an hour or so ( the worst one is when the mobile phone is off for a day) Depending on the level you know the dealer ( measured by how often you see them) then he will meet you close to your home, at your home or at a shopping center or landmark. How many times I would rise zombie like, still clad in pajamas ...down to the phone box and sit in the bus top waiting for "my man" I remember no time to wash my face, brush my hair, I remember sweating in the sun. Then you spot the car, moving not too fast yet with deliberate purpose. Your purpose. In one fluid movement , you spot the car, give your money a reassuring pat in your pocket, pick up your cigarettes and glide into the passenger seat. You don’t look back, you only look forward into the oncoming traffic.
Maybe that was a sign.
Just putting together some ideas at the moment , trying to organise my head into chapters.
Hope you enjoy the journey with me
Heroine Girl - From the Gutter to The Stars...One Blog at a Time - Link if you dare ;)