A Note From The Writer



Welcome to the archived blog posts (when I was a wee blogger, wet behind the ears and not aware of spell check and various other gramatical structures!) I have kept the writings unedited or reworked as I am in the process of doing a massive rewrite of my entire life, many posts I have yet to publish and this blog was merely writing practise for the massive job of sorting out my emotions whilst retelling the story as cuttingly real and dramatic as the real memory was.. some of the posts contained are raw, streaming emotion.. many posts although painful to write, had a tremendously cathartic effect - cheaper than therapy one would say. I welcome new and old readers to keep in touch via my author email (sensualexplorersatHotmaildotcom) if you have any questions or wish to share the feelings and emotions raised by my work.
I will announce the publish date and title whenever it happens and I have been clean now for three years. It is possible.
But it is never easy. It's a lifelong journey, I will always be an addict, but I must stay one step ahead of myself and protect all that can be ruined in the eternal struggle to be
at ease once again, comfortable in this skin.
Thank you for being a part of my story.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Bees In Bonnet Part Two

Update*********************

I refuse to lend one more post to this kind of thing , but I just want to record all this judgemental, misguided advice for prosperity.


Hi Forum Admin
I don't know what admin you have operating but I just recieve an ill-guided email from one of the admin staff on your site.
As we have covered off on, on my blog I can write whatever I want.
I have since removed any identity from the post and do apologise accordingly.
But it is still a prejudice and by sexual nature you would think , it would be photo's or pornograhic endorsement. Whereas it is clearly niether.

Anyways here is the email :
mailto:deleted to protect the sender

I'm in red and bold, so he can follow along ...

This is the message:
you say your in recovery and a prostitute?
Ahh no. I am recovered and writing a memoir blog of when I worked in the industry.
Nuttin new there.
That's my point. That's why I want to share my story
Most addicts have prostituted themsleves while using to get a hit .. no shock value.
The shock value is not the usual " omg you did this and that " It is from my courage to put it down and out in the open, open myself to judgemental pinheads like yourself. I don't belive many " druggies" or "hookers" ever go and do that. It obviously threw you for a loop.

So when the drugs are gone and the behaviur and attutudes remain, then what?
I don't have attitude. Except when people get in my face about my own life. Plus I am mid twenties, educated and female. What kind of self respecting heroine does not have attitude. (behaviour or behavior is the spelling)

2nd level of recovery is about the buzz we chased thats not related to the ingestion of chemicals.
Your blog blasted a moderator at a recovery forum for discrimination.
Ok, my blog is a diary. That means whatever I want to say is my opinion and I did not blast.
I simply posted the emails and asked my friends that read to boost my flaying enthusiasm for this project. I am on fine terms with the forum moderators and I post to her often. We debated originally and now she reads along as well :) ~waves~

The site is a privately owned site and the rules are posted clearly what is and isn't appropriate. You chose to disregard those rules and now you don't aren't happy with the consequences of yor own actions. Honey thats life on lifes terms
Dude. Please don't get preachy on me. And I am definately not the "Honey" type.
I survive quite well without your concern, however misguided.
I thought , your site meant pornography, illicit photos or sexual content.
I did not know there was a personal account of life and all experiences ensued catergory.
As I have said before in a private message to the admin of a higher calibre and understanding of these sensitive issues, I find posts about " How much I want to have a hit and feel that rush" more offensive to a recovering addict than a memoir that may turn people off that road and which has done that in the past.

Acceptance of our part in every situation is the answer to the spiritual contradictions that plague us after we stop putting dope in our body.
Your preaching to the coverted. Dude - I am better - what part of that do you not understand. I detoxed and have not used anything for at least eight months.
I fell off the wagon a few times, nothing more to say.
Now , I don't have time to waste getting high. It doesn't feel good anymore. Heroin smells. I find my recovery in getting on with life and rejoycing who I am, not what I have done. It is called positivity.
I am a writer. This is a memoir. ( That means.. like.. I'm remembering stuff )

Notice I haven't said anything about God or religion, I want you to understand I come from a place where you might fit right in. Lets just say I'm a biker and partied with the boys and girls so nuthins really new under the sun cept' my tude.) And really continuing to harass the site under new screen names and posting pornographic images in retaliation for having been ( in your eyes) discriminated/abused by someone who was trying to be understanding and give you a break is childish and the act of a perpetual victim. You might want to look at the socio psycho victim/perpetration roles common to pimping and prostitution and you could always get a sponsor and work the steps

You should not be around people that are trying to expose themselves as survivors. I know this must offend you and I can only speak from my experience as to how you have made me feel. Please save your amatuer pyschology for your own prudish ventures.
Not everyone plays victim.


HeroineGirl. *sigh*
The rest of that is too stupid. Your a dumb fuck ( sorry I was doing so well wasn't I) It's the socio-blah dee blah coming out in me.


And then he continued the email with some personal details about people he knew in recovery, which I am not at liberty to divulge cos unlike him I don't post about other people's recovery without consent.

He is getting " Fuckhead of The Year".

I hope he gets hit in the head with something sharp .

* note to concerned public this is in selfish jest

Argh. I am straight back to being annoyed.
Crossly yours.HG







More link discrimination !
This time from a recovery site .

Shall I show you !

Originally Posted by Forum Administrator
Hi there,I'm sorry, I had to delete your threads.
The material contained in your blog is not appropriate for this forum. If you would like to stay here and talk about your experiences with drugs, you are welcome to.
Thank you

If working girls wont link due to drug references and drug recovery sites won't link due to sexual references - is it no wonder we feel alone ? Man - wake up and smell the ky honey !

My reply

Thank you for the courtesy email.

Now may I ask why my material is not relevant?
Does the fact that I worked in the sex industry to support a habit -make you uncomfortable?Very sad that you do not read ALL my blog before taking that view.
My blog is real - and it works , I already had one comment from someone from your forums. A positive one I believe :

-Anonymous said... HG- You're telling my story. It's scary, yet reassuring, to know that someone else out there has been on the same highway to hell. Heroin sucks the life out of your soul. Glad to know you've cleaned up and moved on. Me too. I like being able to afford my $250 Seven jeans and C. Ronson tops. Well, not really *afford* but the money's there. Every girl needs a vice. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. Tell it like it is.

Does the fact that I am recovered and happy to articulate myself , deem me not a good example?
People should be able to make up thier own minds?
You have maybe shut the door on someone's chance to see the world through another person's eyes.
Sex work and opiate addiction sometimes DO go hand in hand.
My blog is not only about sex and the game , but about how I moved forward and beat the addiction.

Thank you for your conditional support.
In saying that my blog is inappropriate you have inadvertedly deemed me so aswell.
That's ok, I just expected more .

I don't think I will link to this forum unless I can see merit in your decision.

Kind regards,
HeroineGirl(Spelling deliberate)


Then the reply *sigh* I think this lady is religious I mean why else run a dictatorship?
Has she ever been in my shoes to deem me inappropriate.

She clarifies...

Originally Posted by Forum Administrator
I am sorry that my actions have offended you.

It was certainly not my intention.
I repect your recovery and the fact that you are telling stories of your past to help others in their road to recovery.

However, i admit I did not read past the first page of your blog but it is on a web-site filled with other blogs from people who are still in the life and contains extreme sexually explicit material.
Addicts come in all forms and many are also sex addicts.
This web-site could be a trigger for them as well as recovering drug addicts who participated in this lifestyle.
You may certainly tell your story of recovery on the web-site but linking to the web-site that your blog is on is not appropriate because, although your blog may have a message of recovery in it, the web-site is clearly far from anything associated with it.
Thank you for your understanding in this matter
Forum Administrator that can't be named.

GRRRRRR I mean to me this site is all about adversity and also liking yourself and perhaps identifying with life and each other. You don't have to be a junkie to "get it". You don't have to be a sex worker either. You just have to be yourself.

I replied like this...

Hey *blah dee blah*
Thanks for the quick reply.
Unfortunately, I had to had other links to other sites to get link support from them. Plus they are highly popular sites and the content is riveting to most of my target audience.
Perhaps it would be better if I had links to sites like yours - if they gave my site a chance like these demon sites have ? .

I definately do not glamourise prostitution and I aim to make my site more about recovery. I think shock factor is important. I started using when I was 19 and was led into the industry as a streetwalker.It was not very nice and I think it drives home the point that this could happen to anybody.To prove my point, I will regurgitate my story with a recovery skew and you will see that my post threads become very popular.

My story was featured on***** and endorsed by **** ( great site)I just wanted my blog to get more exposure.But I appreciate the feedback, I am determined to tell my story and benefit millions , so a lesson learnt.

The sex industry wont link due to the drug references and the drug recovery wont link due to the sex.

And we wonder why we feel alone ?

No matter, thanks for the reply.

Warm regards
HG

Thoughts please anyone ! Should I just give in and give up. I'm becoming very disparaged.

Moodily Yours
HG

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry to post anonymously again but I don't have the energy right now to join and get a username. Thinking up witty and appopriate usernames takes so much energy sometimes.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the discrimination that you're running into by the internet police. It's a shame but I have faith that you'll get your message out there. I'm shocked to hear that you're even *considering* giving up. C'mon- HG! Press on! Adversity makes us stronger.

In the few posts I've read of yours, I can't help but feel a comfortable connection. I was never a *streetwalker* in the literal sense of the term, but I sure had alot sex for drugs. Sometimes even under the guise of being *in love*. I prostituted not only my body, but my heart, my soul, my mind. I was a slave.

I consider Candy to be one of my favorite books as well. It's a very accurate description of a disfunctional, yet comfortable, heroin relationship. I have an EX too. Somewhere. He was my one of my greatest loves and one of my greatest enemies.

I admire your ability to write so eloquently and honestly. I've always said that I would write a memoir one day but as yet, I don't have the mental capacity to put it all together. Not to mention the fact that even after several years clean, I don't remember quite a bit of time.

I wish you a happy day. Chin up and let if flow.

Jason Mulgrew said...

intense!

love,
jason mulgrew
internet quasi-celebrity

Anonymous said...

You're free to post what you like, it's a free country but as someone who feels disrespected on someone else's web-site it would probably serve you well to respect another persons anonymity.

I would personally never ask from someone else what I'm not willing to give in return.

HeroineGirl said...

Morning

And thanks for the comments - Love them all !

Excuse me if I'm a little doughy ( thats aus speak for simple, moronic, slow) but I think the last post is from the person on the site?

Is that what she is saying ? Cos I put her name.
Ok well I will take it out, it just got included in the copy and paste.
I think I'm banned from that board now anyways !
HG your a naughty girl !

I did not mean to offend , just wanted to post on my blog what I had been through that day, as per the blog formulae, and that lady made me upset dammit.

Today is another day :)

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